God kills 27 on latest rampage in Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, and Illinois. He used one of his favorite weapons, the tornado, to unleash his fury on the innocent. God personally destroyed hundreds of houses and even one of his own just to show poeple that he means business. While it is unclear as to what set him off, many people speculate that it’s this nations growing trend of accepting homosexuality. While others feel it has to do with pushing creationism out of the schools. Whatever the reasons are, the message is clear… don’t f*ck with God.
God could not be reached for comment.
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April 4th, 2006 at 7:41 pm
Falwell calls for assassination of God - Head explodes shortly thereafter.
Lynchburg, VA - During a particularly gory 700 Club show today, fundamentalist preacher and televangelist Jerry Falwell’s head exploded after he called for the assassination of God.
“The destruction and death in Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, and Illinois is clearly an act of terrorism”, he said, continuing with “Woe unto those who fail to defend our freedom from gays, atheists and terrorists. We must act to defend our freedom, and blow him all to hell in the name of, uh, our Lord”, he continued.
Shortly after his remarks, Falwell’s speech became blurred. The studio audience, thinking he was speaking in tongues as a result of Divine Communication, erupted in shouts of “Praise the Lord!”.
The mood took a sharp turn for the worse, however, when Falwell’s head exploded, spraying blood and brain matter around the studio.
Experts contacted about this rare phenomenon speculate that the explosion was necessary - and probably a result if Divine Intervention - in order to prevent the logical inconsistency of his statement from producing a rift in the space-time continuum.
[OK, I won't apply for a job at The Onion just yet]
April 9th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
god does not kill he leaves the tornadic weather up to the devil which is feed by people who always wants to blam God for everything. Maybe if you accepted him instead of blaming him this might not happen
April 9th, 2006 at 3:16 pm
God did not want these people to die, But what should he do we have been asking him to back out of our country, out of our lifes and out of the schools so as the gentleman that he is he has done just that. He is still there all we have to do is invite him back into our nation our lifes and our schools and ask him to stop all of this destruction and he might just do that.
April 9th, 2006 at 9:45 pm
God doesn’t exist, therefor he didn’t do anything… Don’t blame stuff on things that don’t exist, its not nice dam it!
April 11th, 2006 at 2:48 am
Well all still be judged so dont blame GoD..He is a GOD dont you people understand…but someday youll all be judged…
April 15th, 2006 at 2:53 am
God is real you agnostics and atheists. God is very real and there is a day of atonement. If you are not ready for it then it’s going to be a rude awakening. I was an agnostic when the day arrived for me, and I tell you I pray every single day, and BEG God to forgive, but the smoke still rises to this day.
You can’t say I didn’t warn you.
April 21st, 2006 at 3:52 pm
How can one be agnostic and athiest?
An agnostic is one who believes that the evidence for and against the existence of God is inconclusive.
An athiest is one who actively disbelieves the existence of any deities.
May 10th, 2006 at 11:46 am
For the anonymous Christian posters, as well as “stryderyu” and “Former Athiest” I’m so glad you all protray the positive, uplifting message of Chistianity instead of preaching hellfire to non believers and using tired old Christian cliche responses…oh wait…my mistake…
Anonymous #2 sadly, but truly, that is the most tired and rediculous idea pervading Christian thought for why bad things happen. A tornado killing 20 some odd people doesn’t demonstrate God’s lack of intervention, it demonstrates weather patterns. I’ll remind you simply that when there was sanctioned school prayer in classrooms and bible reading in schools, people still died because of natural disasters in this country…Even the most godly, holy country in the world isn’t immune from the world God created (or whatever your religious or unreligious idea is of creation) the problem is you’re all saying judgement is coming, but by doing so you’re already judging athiests and agnostics and sinners, etc. SO please, go find a book on grammar, learn a bit more about the world, get a bit more mature in both your lives and your faiths, and then you can properly defend your beliefs.
May 10th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
You know, I reckon that a lot of bad things happen in life because people like me don’t spend enough time telling people like you about God, and I don’t spend enough of my time listening to God and doing what He truly wants.
We are only humans, you can yell at us but we aren’t perfect. We’re not the best people to look at for answers. Try Jesus. He’s our example.
I’d further like to point out that the Bible says ‘but God teaches people through suffering, and uses distress to open their eyes’. That’s pretty self explanatory.
Suffering is a big thing. Our brains are small. Maybe if we stopped trying to understand issues we don’t understand fully, and leave them to God. Why don’t we start listening to God and doing His will?
I want to congratulate all Christian posters for standing up for their beliefs.
August 4th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
Read Luke 13:1-5 and you’ll get Jesus’ response to disasters in his day. You may also want to see http://www.atruechurch.info/lordkills.html
August 12th, 2006 at 11:33 pm
To Darwin and the others who say that we better believe in God OR ELSE — if that is what your God is all about you really need to get a new God. I read Luke 13:1-5 and the LordKills website and that is one sick, demented God that you are worshiping. If God is so hateful and murderous, then you need to REJECT him and create something better.
September 13th, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Anonymous Says:
April 9th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
god does not kill he leaves the tornadic weather up to the devil which is feed by people who always wants to blam God for everything. Maybe if you accepted him instead of blaming him this might not happen
Thank you, I needed a good laugh today. It must be sin to life in a trailer, god has a serious mad on about that.
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:17 pm
How is God responsible??? I live in Florida …Piasley to be exact, where the deadly tornado ripped through the entire state. It was horrific!… but Gods fault? No try Mother Nature.
April 5th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
How can anyone believe that god can be solely responsible for all the disasters and unfortunate events that happen in the world. Do people think that God is looking down on the world and picking out places to destroy and people to maim and injure all at the same time? It is sad and unfortunate but as mere mortals on this earth we do not know the reasons why. Why judge and try to answer an almost unanswerable question.Maybe people should be looking closer to home and trying to make their own lives better!
April 24th, 2007 at 9:16 am
the bible says “righteousness exalts a nation, but sin is a reproach to any nation’ Once again, His word is settled on earth as it is in heaven. Wickedness in a nation brings about disasters not God.
October 18th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Why the suffering, destruction, chaos etc? SIN = Man separate from God. It’s our fault we (through Adam’s disobedience) live in a fallen, broken, dying once PERFECT world that will continue to self-destruct until God intervenes and makes a new Paradise (it’s in the bible) Jesus came to deal with sin and restore our relationship to God and prepare us for eternity. God is LOVE and JUSTICE among other things. Sin requires GOD’s BLOOD - Jesus Christ’s to wash away ALL sin but all must simply receive his gift of salvation by faith through repentance - this is the good news of Jesus Christ!