Hard at work in the laboratory that is the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI made a marvelous discovery. A breakthrough so profound that it will save the lives of millions and bring about a new era of hope for the masses.
That must be his thinking cap because the Pope has succeeded where many of the world’s most bright and intelligent scientists have failed. The Pope doesn’t have any advanced scientific degrees or even a background in chemistry. All the Pope needed was God… for you see, the cure for AIDS and all diseases is faith. He didn’t go too much in to details, but he was alluding to the church’s stance that fidelity and chastity, and not condoms, were the way to combat the disease.
Eureka! The scientific community must feel like fools having wasted countless millions, if not billions, of dollars on stupid time-consuming scientific research. The answer was always there hiding in plain sight! The Pope is truly a genius.
Now add in the Catholic church’s stance on masturbation (don’t do it) and you have a winning combination. So basically the Pope is just asking several billion people to not have sex unless you actively pursuing kids. If your married and done having kids, no sex. If your married and not ready to have kids, no sex. If you’re single, no sex. In addition to not having sex, you can’t even attend to yourself! Here’s an equation I’d like to submit for why this is bad…
(No sex) + (No monkey spanking) = Global Calamity
Religion was more pervasive and pornography was minimal until the latter half of the 1900s. While many see this as a sad fact, I do not. I see it as a positive thing and I offer my scientific evidence:
FACT: Prior to 1950… less porn, more religion.
RESULT: Two world wars and countless millions dead.
FACT: After 1950… more porn, more drug usage, less religion.
RESULT: No world wars.
If you would like to dispute my exhaustive research I expect you to provide some of your own :)
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I’m sure his attitude would be different if he was the one with a disease.
FACT: the vatican has the world’s largest collection of literary porn.
I think that whole vow of abstenance makes them obsessed with sex, and particularly the sexual habbits of others. This guy needs to get laid.
No sex and no moneky-spanking could drive a man to wear a dress and a hat that makes him look like a giant penis.
And to think that the church used to support a form of prosititution in order to keep men from wandering from their marriages. Hell up until the 9th century I believe, the church still allowed priests to marry, that is until a few priests caused the church to lose some of its vast imperial fortune by willing their church properties to their families. Now its all keep it in your pants and your hands off of it. You know what would be a great cure for AIDS that would make everyone happy and not require one intercourse per child born? A CURE FOR AIDS! How about that?
has anybody asked the question:
isn’t AIDS a cure for people?
just kidding.
hey that’s not the only news. I’ve just discovered the cures for the common cold and Sars and several other respiratory diseases. It’s really simple, just stop breathing.
so what the pope is basically saying is this: “AIDS is a punishment from god for not following his (our) will. If you have AIDS, not only will you die painfully, you’ll go to hell afterwards. Told you so”
I can allready see the convoys going to africa distributing free bibles instead of condoms.
For some reason I thought. “hey, a ‘younger’ pope, maybe this one will be an improvement. But it seems that god does indeed work in mysterious ways, because this one is even more boneheaded then the last.
ps, tommy, you just made my day.
The article has a very interesting quote from another Priest the knew the Pope before he became Pope.
It says his name was Father Notker Wolf…..who ran the St. Ottilien monastery near Munich for 23 years. He said, “For us, God has always been the bookkeeper, writing down all of our sins,”.
ME: The quote above just plain scares me. Here you have a man who’s understanding of God is “the great bookkeeper”. So every time you do a bad thing God gets out his ledger and puts a black star by your name. In my opinion this is how the Catholic Church keeps “CONTROL†over its followers. Because you can only get to God through a Priest and you can only have your sins (black stars) forgiven through a Priest. That’s called control.
There was another group of people during Jesus times that had set themselves up in this same manner call the Pharisees. The Pharisees were the group that ultimately had Jesus tried and crucified. They put themselves in a position of power so they could control the Jews.
When Jesus finally dies on the cross the Bible says, “At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split.†(Matthew 27:51) Behind this “curtain†was the Holy of Holies (the most holy place in the temple where Gods spirit resided). The high priest was only allowed to go into that part of the temple 1 day out of the year to give an offering. A rope was tied to the leg of that priest when he went in, incase he died in the presence of God they had a way to pull his dead body out.
My point is this. When Jesus died he removed the barrier between God and man so that men could have direct access to Him. This is why the curtain temple was torn from top to bottom (no more separation). If you find an institution or organized religion that says you have to go through them before you can experience God……RUN AWAY QUICKLY!!!
sparty1969 I do believe you speak the truth about the Christian religion there. If you are going to be a christian, do it right.
HumanisticJones said “If you are going to be a Christian, do it right.”
I couldn’t agree more. In a relatedly, I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that simply said “Christian Left.” This is one of few indications I’ve seen recently that liberal and centrist Christians are upset about the bad reputation fundamentalists are giving their religion. This gives me great hope for the future. If more Christians start ‘doing it right’ and focus on the positive aspects of their religion, this country would be a better place.
Too many people trust what they’ve been told about Jesus by an authority figure instead of simply trusting what Jesus actually represented. For the Christian readers: When you read the Gospels, notice the amount of time Jesus spends preaching about the dangerous of money and greed and how little time he preaches about sexual behavior. Emulate Jesus, not the people who claim they know him better than you do.
There are christian liberals (or leftists, whatever you like to call them). In Germany there is a magazine called “Publik Forum”, published by people who call themselves “critical christians”. As far as I know they are of oecumenic belief. Unfortunately I don’t know how many people actually read it, but quite some christian “celebrities” (including Hans Küng, for example) have already written articles for it.
Concerning the pope’s visit to Bayern (Bavaria): My newspaper says the city of München (Munich) felt like a theocracy these days, complete with police bullying people trying to speak out against the pope. Even social democrat (!) mayor Christian Ude argued against pope critics.
I guess God, watching this ritual of idiocy from above, instantly cried out: “Sons, why have you forsaken me?”
The last few posters seem not to remember that Martin Luther beat us all to this idea of the church not being the path to God. He said that churches were a load of crap too. Now if only the millions upon millions of Protestants who supposedly descend from his original ideas remembered that…
I thought there weren’t any world wars after WW2 was because of the bomb. The next WW will likely be the end of all wars.
I think there haven’t been any world wars because of the international economic imbalance… for the longest time it was two massive super powers amongst whom war was unthinkable due to the bomb but I can easily imagine a slide in the future back to conflicts between smaller countries, say in africa or even the middle east, a situation that could escalate to a world war… something that can’t happen now because there are still two countries that pretty much control the affairs of all the smaller ones (china and the US). remember that history is cyclical at times, nothing lasts forever (including america), and people will always try and fight over stupid shit, whether its based on religion or not.
that doesn’t mean religion is blameless. more people have died in jesus’ name than any other human being in history.
Most of the Protestant Christians that I know heed the words and warnings of Martin Luther. Obviously, since most of the posters on this site do not believe in the authority of the Bible, I will spare you and not quote Scripture. Suffice it to say that there are a lot of hypocritical Christians, who are “Christians” in name only. There are “true” Christians, both on the left and on the right.
Sidfaiwu, you are correct that Christ preached on money more than sexual impurity. He also preached on Hell more than Heaven.
Even you agnostics, atheists, and cynics have got to believe that there is some kind of afterlife, right?
7elwe 7elwe
Snurp and FanofCSLewis: The reference to Martin Luther is exsactly what I am talking about. Great point.
Hello FanofCSLewis (I’m actually reading his Narnia Chronicles now),
I did not know Jesus preached quite a bit about Hell. It has been so long since I read John that I’ve forgotten some parts of it. Thanks for the info.
Also, I am not an agnostic, atheist, or a cynic but I do not believe an afterlife. Thus I have no fear of Hell. I find the very concept of Hell absurd. Nor do I hold any out any hope for Heaven.
In fact, the concept of Heaven can be a very damaging one. Belief in Heaven would devalue your current life. If you truly believe that after you die you will have another, permanent life with no suffering and all pleasure than what possible value can your current life have? Why work to make your current life better? Why even try to save another’s life if you are certain they are about to enter a much better life? Wouldn’t it be the greatest good, under such a belief, to murder everyone you believe is going to go to Heaven? Sure, it would mean that you forfeit your right to Heaven, but that would be the ultimate self-sacrifice. It would mean that you end the suffering of so many people and allow them to experience the permanent perfection of Heaven.
The priests have been testing the pope’s cure for aids for quite a time now. But the pope didn’t speak about the cure’s side effects: it makes priests go after little boys.
Yes but hell as allegedly spoken by Christ was nothing like the hell that western society knows today. Hell as we know it really came from the Greeks and Norse. (Why is there so little discourse on the Holy Roman Empire’s preversion of the ideals of Christianity?)
Also no, we don’t have to believe in an afterlife. Where was your soul when you were asleep last night? Yeah, that’s what death is probably like, but no dreams to remember when you wake up.
“Even you agnostics, atheists, and cynics have got to believe that there is some kind of afterlife, right?”
Why? The concept of an afterlife is just as silly as every other unfounded belief. The existence of some kind of creator might be an argument worth the effort, but seriously, just because it feels nice to believe in an afterlife doesn’t make it true or right.
Just live with the idea that there isn’t a heaven for a while, and you’ll see it’s really not that bad. When I die, that’s it, game over. I won’t feel bad about it… I’ll be dead. Maybe you’ll even learn to savor your life a little more once you stop believing a fairy tale to ease your fears.
The only concept of an afterlife I’m willing to accept is manmade. I could see everyone being brought back once we have the means. It’s only a matter of time… and not destroying ourselves.
By the way, working under the assumption that there is some kind of soul attached to our meatsack bodies (which I don’t believe), why assume an afterlife would be anything like this universe, and you’d be reunited with your family and all that jazz? you wont be you, everything you are (except a “soul”) would be tied up in your meatsack. Thoughts and memories are nothing but patterns of synapses in your brain, and actions are a result of them. Do you think they have anything to do with a “soul”. Why should a “soul” pay for the “sins” of your meatsack? None if it makes sense.
gasmonso: I found the perfect example of what you were talking about above. The “don’t do it” or “don’t sin” view that a lot of organized religion puts forth.
And wouldn’t you know I found the answer from Rob Bell’s “Velvelt Elvis” page 108. This also covers the “Book Keeper” theory as well.
Rob says, ” The point of the cross isn’t forgiveness. Forgiveness leads to something much bigger: restoration. God isn’t just interested in the covering over of our sins; God wants to make us into the people we were originally created to be. It is not just the removal of what’s being held against us; it is God pulling us into the people he originally had in mind when he made us.
This restoration is why Jesus always orients his message around becoming the kind of people who are generous and loving and compassionate. The goal here isn’t simply to not sin. Our purpose is to increase the shalom in this world, which is why approaches to the Christian faith that deal solely with not sinning always fail.
They aim at the wrong thing. It is not about what you don’t do. The point is becoming more and more the kind of people God had in mind when we were first created.” (Velvit Elvis, 108)
I love to see that argument on the afterlife YF. Humanism teaches that this life should be the important one to you. If there is an afterlife, how do you know that “you” will still be “you” in it. I’m a Deist as well as a Humanist (I love that they don’t interfere, and it confuses people when they think I have 2 religions), so as a Deist I’m inclined to believe that there is, though none need be dependant on the other, an afterlife, a soul, and a higher causality (I don’t mean determinism, I mean that there is a higher reason than just the material, not a puppetmaster god). I still really couldn’t care less about the nature of those 3 and how I should live my life because of them. To me, they will happen later, and I won’t be a meatshell anymore. How much does my soul care about this meatshell? I don’t know, it doesn’t really like to answer any questions, and god’s no help here either, just sitting back watching the universe. So what do I do? I have the best life I can now, help people where I can, and try to learn as much about the universe as I can it the time I have. When I die? Well, then I’ll be dead and worrying about being dead then.
“Even you agnostics, atheists, and cynics have got to believe that there is some kind of afterlife, right?”
no
FACT: After 1950… more porn, more drug usage, less religion.
RESULT: No world wars.
I used to think you where a bright guy gasmonso but these days you sound equally stupid as all religious freaks, you just don’t believe in any god.
Thanks Anony mouse for your lovely words of encouragement. No I don’t believe in God, duh! Have you not read my comments or frequented the site more than 5 minutes?
Is God possible, sure I guess. But then again so are dragons, Bigfoot, and leprechauns. And I mean that sincerely. This whole myth of God is just a belief that was perpetuated like Santa Claus from one generation to the next. The idea is so absurd that it’s difficult to argue one way or the other.
As for thinking I was bright because you thought I believed in a god… that’s ignorant. I like to think of myself as being bright because I accept other beliefs and their right to have them.
Slinging insults directly towards me is sad and just shows your lack of intelligence.
Good day.
I never said i though you where bright because you believed in god. I thought you where bright because it *seemed* you looked at facts and not at prejuice (which is what those `Facts’ and `Results’ are) but it just proofs my point there are also “atheistic-freaks” as well as “religious-freaks”.
Hey maybe make a site atheisticfreaks.com ;-)
I suppose it depends on your definition of freak. Atheists don’t cause all the problem and breed hatred and bigotry the way the extremely religious do. What’s the worst thing an atheist “freak” has ever done?
Atheists generally don’t hate gays, hold back science, burn witches, suicide bomb, give false hope, start holy wars, commit genocide, and restrict freedom.
Good question now that i think of it.. well there are atheistic freaks but they don’t do there things because of for the sake of no believe in god rather they have other ideologies. If you understand me. But I can not agree with the idea that if people are atheist they will all love each other and live happy together.
The usual remedy for common cold is just lots of water, fruit juice and also vitamin-C tablets.:~*
You might not paid attention to the fact that after the nineties the damned religious freaks, particularly protestants in the USA, got quite empowered and after that terrorism and wars haven’t stopped at all. So it is not only a stupid catholics thing, but imbecile protestant idiocy. God doesn’t exist, so those who believe in it have pretty low IQs and of those already dumb enough, the most stupid are those who make this sorry fabrication the centre of their lives.
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ok just because the pope can’t get non doesn’t get any don’t mean we can’t and the fuckn cure for aids os don’t have sex with swanky guys and girls
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