In the never-ending battle to part parishioners from their money, churches are embracing a new weapon. A weapon so diabolical that it coerces helpless white upper-middle-class people in to handing their fortunes over to the Lord. It leaves the victim feeling hopeful that it will actually be used for some good, when in actuality it will be spent on frivolous church decorations, statues, and gold plated crucifixes.
This weapon that I speak of is the brain child of Pastor Marty Baker and is codenamed, "ATM For Jesus" or simply "Giving Kiosks." Developed in secret, these machines have infiltrated several churches and have taken in roughly $240,000 in the 1,100-member Stevens Creek Community Church this year alone!
Even though there appears to be no stopping this money snatching monster, Baker is already planning the second generation. A device that can be secretly placed behind each and every pew. Nobody will be safe. Nobody!
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