Judah sent me this story a week ago and I reluctantly passed on it. But as fate would have it, the story has blossomed in to a full-fledged freak festival. As a result, it is my duty to report it now.
On Ash Wednesday last month it seemed as if a miracle had taken place in the most peculiar of places. In the cafeteria at Pugh Elementary School in Houston Texas, the Virgin Mary made an unscheduled appearance on a pizza pan.
Lupe Rodriguez who was scrubbing the pans that afternoon made the shocking discovery. A quick analysis by her coworkers confirmed that it was indeed the Virgin Mary. No question about it.
Standard miracle protocol dictates for the image to be put on public display and that is exactly what happened. The miracle pizza-baking sheet was immediately enshrined outside a local home for all to see. Hundreds of delusional worshippers brought flowers and candles. Prayers were everywhere and tears were abundant. All was well, or so it would seem.
The school suddenly demanded that the miracle pizza-baking sheet be returned immediately. The faithful reluctantly agreed and set off on a pilgrimage back to the school. With the miracle pizza sheet in hand, the women sang and carried roses and somberly marched towards the school.
With tensions running high, the local church was consulted on the matter. Only time will tell where this miracle of sorts will finally come to rest. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
Sound too crazy to be true? Fine, then watch the video and see for yourself.
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March 2nd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Why, WHY, WHY do they always have to be from South Texas. Can’t we for once have someone go, “Wow, that oil slick looks like the Virgin Mary, but it is just oil” and move on. I have two pans at home with a similar shape burned into the bottom and you don’t see me setting up a shrine. For the sake of disclosure, I am the rare South Texas atheist.
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Geez, I thought it was a hand flipping the bird.
Or a penis.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Yeah that’s what I thought at first: phallic.
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:53 pm
It won’t be returned “until a solution to a very sensitive issue can be discovered.”
How about a sharp whack to the head?
Honestly, I’m in awe of the reporter’s ability to not break into a fit of giggling.
March 2nd, 2007 at 3:24 pm
They have schools in Texas? Since when?
Wooo, a Preview button!
March 2nd, 2007 at 4:42 pm
ha man beat me, i was going penis too, shame on me
although they do worship the penis in japan
March 2nd, 2007 at 6:31 pm
I like the line…”technically the pan is school property”
As if the stain on it has elevated it to the state where no one can claim ownership on such a valuable and priceless item
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:28 pm
Just so everyone knows, the person who discovered this “miracle” was a hispanic woman, just like every other Virgin Mary, Jesus, or Saint _______ ever found. This would be a good time to upload the clip from the Carlos Mencia show where he sings about just this very thing.
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:29 pm
BTW, I’m not actively trying to mock them because they are almost always hispanic…I just think it’s funny that it works out that way.
March 3rd, 2007 at 2:42 am
Actually, the explanation is simple: The English who colonized the US were Protestants. That flavour of Christianity, somewhat like Islam, is quite strict in disallowing icons of god (except for plastering anything with images of Jesus…). The Spanish, however, who colonized most of the rest are catholic, thus worship images of their deities and make and see everywhere images of them.
Of course, there are also non-hispanic catholics in the US, but their numbers aren’t as significant, especially in the South, as the US is mainly a Protestant country. Also, the greater poverty which hispanics in the US tend to be in comparison to non-hispanics leads to lesser education and thus a rise in the recognition of false patterns.
This demonstrates very neatly how the question which religion one belongs to depends only on ethnical heritage and some historical power play, not on the religion being true.
March 4th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
“Honestly, I’m in awe of the reporter’s ability to not break into a fit of giggling.” Tommy
I thought almost the exact same thing.
Additionally, the cameraman who followed the parade of people carrying the pan back to the school like it were a banner has to be given a lot of credit for not keeling over in laughter.
March 4th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
“there are also non-hispanic catholics in the US”
That would be the Irish.
March 4th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Hey, don’t forget about us Italian Catholics too :) When I grew up, every single Italian in the entire city was Catholic. I’m one of the lucky few to escape ;)
gasmonso
March 5th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Bhhhhhaaaaa. That’s funny.
I wish the news would report on the mud chunk in my neighbors yard. It looks like Reverend Phelps from Westboro Baptist.
Oh, I stand corrected. It’s not mud, it’s a dog shit.
March 11th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
I find it a bit coincedental that the mary shape did really resemble Mary. I’m going to go ahead and leave an open mind about this- but it is true what Sean says-”Just so everyone knows, the person who discovered this “miracle†was a hispanic woman, just like every other Virgin Mary, Jesus, or Saint _______ ever found.”
I was thinking the same thing actually. Whenever a virgin Mary or something like that is found- it is normally a hispanic woman. Then again, there was that piece of toast with Mary on it, and I think it was founded by a white woman.
Oh, not to mention, a few months back when I was walking home from work, I saw a rain stain that resembled Virgin Mary on the sidewalk. I was like “Hmm..thats interesting.” Then I just walked home and went on with my day. Maybe I should have contacted the news so I could have gotten my 15 min of fame. “Today’s news- white girl finds the Virgin Mary on the sidewalk.” LOL
March 12th, 2007 at 3:57 am
Some have already pointed out it more looked like a penis. But that dont make it less a miracle! I´m sure it´s not a picture of virgin Mary herself, but actually the Holy Spirit that impregnated her!! Yep! At last, a picture of the Divine Dick! *kneels before the ’saucy’ pan*
March 12th, 2007 at 7:42 am
Miracles just ain’t what they used to be.
March 31st, 2007 at 8:45 am
If you set it on its side it looks like a stubby little peepy. Wierd. Maybe it can be enshrined outside a pron shop.
March 31st, 2007 at 8:47 am
pron, porn, whatever, it’s a peepy.
April 1st, 2007 at 1:17 pm
It looks like a dick alright - a dick from Texas. At least this one didn’t get elected.
April 1st, 2007 at 3:22 pm
ChrisNI, I completely agree with you. Luckily it didn’t get elected, but who knows? Maybe it’s time for a “Divine Miracle” to be elected. :p
There’s no way in hell that’s the Virgin Mary. It’s a short, thick penis. Probably a hairy one at that.
Goddamn you Texas!
April 3rd, 2007 at 3:52 pm
The REAL MIRACLE would be if they DID ELECT
someone from TEXAS who WASN’T a DICK!
That’s one I would PAY TO SEE!
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:06 am
Well let us then not exclude a Tibetan Buddhist man who found a rock in the Himalayas bearing an image of the Virgin so distinctive and clear with a story on how he come accross just as compelling. Either on Yahoo or Google, key in the search bar “Isthmus, miracle image of Mary”. This Virgin Mary miracle is a must see because the image is set in stone in an amazing silhouette truely questioning my skepticism and affirming my belief in miracles. It seems the Virgin Mary appears even in the holy Himalayas where the Buddhist and Hindu Gods are enshrined in the Tibetan mountains worshipped and ruled by the Dalai Lama and his people for thousands of years.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:03 am
How can you guys deny that this is undoubtedly the virgin mary? But this miracle is much more than that!
Copy the image into Paint, and rotate it 90 degrees clockwise. Do you see it? It is undoubtedly the Great Gonzo from The Muppet Show! It is a miracle! This is proof that Gonzo is god!
Now, rotate another 90 degrees. It is undoubtedly a mushroom! This means that all mushrooms, and to a lesser extent, fungi are absolutely divine. Praise your mushroom gods!
Finally, rotate it another 90 degrees. It is undoubtedly a duck in profile! Ducks are holy, praise your feathered gods!
Funny how the source of the miracle changes so drastically with your perspective.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go found the Church of the Virgin Mary and Also Gonzo, Mushrooms, and a Duck.
February 10th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Humans have the amazing capacity for recognizing patterns, even where none exist. I remember the potato chip lady on The Tonight Show, who had a potato chip resembling Abraham Lincoln. Very cute, but a miracle? Ain’t no such animal.
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:43 am
THAT AINT NO VIRGIN MARY, THATS A RESEMBLANCE 0F MY PENIS WOOOOO
U CRAZY MOFOS
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:43 am
THAT AINT NO VIRGIN MARY, THATS A RESEMBLANCE 0F MY PENIS WOOOOO
U CRAZY MOFOS!
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Is that what mary looked like? Was Jesus concerned that his mother had no face? Did Joseph have a fetish for mutant freaks? Was Mary an aborted step in human evolution?
Miracles, lol.
I saw mohammed screwing jesus up the arse in a dog turd on the street!
October 31st, 2008 at 12:39 am
The pan only ‘attracts national attention’ as long as you’re willing to report on it.
November 2nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
If even one person believed in this, took comfort from it & led a more Christian or just good hearted existence, who’s it hurting?
We’re all entitled to an opinion; but remember what your mother (at least MY mother) said;, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!”.
I say let them have their miracle. They’re not asking for money; and what little fame they’re getting is so filled with ridicule; who’d want it?
Let it be….
Signed,
Believer in miracles of the Lord
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
If you just let stupidity run free it will pollute everything around it. It might seem mean to point out stupidity, but that’s what it takes to better society. “Help stamp out this mindless mindlessness. Keep your stupidity to yourself.” - The Council of Concerned Citizens Who Are Smarter Than You.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:03 am
this is stupid and pathetic. if u think its a miracle then u r just plain dumb.
March 7th, 2009 at 10:16 am
At first I thought it was a penis until I read the post.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Don’t know, I’m going to have to say it resembles a nipple, or maybe a pacifier.
August 22nd, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Oh, come on! We all know that It’s ridiculous.
A coincidence it looks like a fictional person? Fine. Leave it at that.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:08 pm
How fucking sad.
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I’m with Tommy and Brantley, first thing I thought of was it look like someone tried to do some ink stamping with a limp cock and balls.
Why do these idiots think everything that is vaguely human shaped is either Mary or Jesus and that it is some sort of miracle or sign? Could it not be Nostradamus? or Darwin? or their neighbor? or just a random blob that happens to remind them of their favorite fictional character?
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Thank you Pat! Your comment was fabulous and my best laugh of the week!
August 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Pfft. I don’t know… It kind of looks like a bell with a bent handle to me.
Or possibly, a seagull, if tilted at the correct angle.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Melt that fucking tray down to lava, throw it in the faces of all those mentally insane catholic fucks then cut them all down with a 50 cal, fully automatic belt fed machine gun and put an end to them before their religious infection spreads to more.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Idiots! I try to reveal my favorite pizza topping and they get the message upside down…I mean, I even went through the trouble of putting it on a goddamn PIZZA PAN! What could be more obvious? This is why I hate Catholics.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Hey ravious, the pan’s made of metal; it can’t be melted down to lava, since lava is what you get when you melt rocks.
By the way, I’ve seen your posts on other atheist sites and I just wonder when you’re going to unleash the rage. I mean, is that the best you’ve got? You do realize that “all those…catholic fucks” survived your post and are still milling around South Texas spreading their heinous lies and indoctrinating their small, defenseless offspring. Ooo! Here’s a thought; let’s fantasize about strangling their babies! You know…just in case there *is* a “god gene.”
I share your hatred of religion, pal, but not your hatred of people.
December 10th, 2009 at 4:18 am
This is my only argument for closing our borders.We have enough dumb Catholics in America we should not allow anymore.
December 10th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Amen to that.
December 10th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
D has lastworditis.
December 10th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
No.
There are not many regular posters here at the moment, so my posts are piling up on the front page recent comments.
—-
You think i’m bad? Just wait. You’ve not met Korgan or Ally yet.
December 11th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
point 45 proven
April 29th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Looks like a penis to me.
April 29th, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Looks like a small penis. Mohamed had a small penis too and that explain why he prefer little girls.
May 1st, 2010 at 6:41 pm
No casualties in a major earthquake for example is a miracle. Not this shit.
August 6th, 2010 at 12:55 am
Typical of the Brain Poisoned dickheads in the Capital State of the Bible Belt of the United Christian States of America: Texas, the State that supplied two brain dead presidents to the White House: Daddy Bush and Baby “Dubya” Bush.