This outstanding song from Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life answers any questions one might have with respects to the Catholic Church’s perspective on masturbation and contraception.
The sketch is about a Catholic couple, played by Michael Palin & Terry Jones, and their 63 lovely children. Unable to support their large Catholic family, the parents decide to sell their children for medical experimentation purposes.
When word reaches the children, they are none to pleased to say the least. They ask their father why they don’t use contraception or sterilization. Dad of course breaks in to song and explains that:
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
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March 27th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Of course, since un-expressed sperm is destroyed and reabsorbed by the body, I find that I need to masturbate every hour, saving the results in the freezer, in order to meet my Catholic obligations.
March 27th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Catholic reasoning is truly amazing. On one hand you’re not supposed to used contraception, but on the other hand, a zygote is already a human with a soul, so abortion is murder. Yet, most embryos never implant, so any time you’re having unprotected sex and not getting pregnant, you’re probably ‘killing babies’. But then the church is against in vitro fertilization also. Try wrapping your head around that mess.
March 27th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Even worse, even if you do have sex constantly, and have an infinite ammount of women to impregnate, you’re STILL killing millions of babies
March 27th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Very well put, alcari. Number of sperms > number of ovums. Did God design humans to be baby killers? Or is it just God’s way of showing us that sex is equal to murder, thus sin? He truly works in mysterious ways…
March 27th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
hehe… i can’t help the feeling that a god would design the man to ejaculate exactly one sperm every time, and that one sperm would make it 100% of times. but then again, unlike religious people, i can’t claim to know what god would do.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I support stem cell research, but only as a byproduct of my support for killing babies.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
This reminds me of the sperm waiting room in Woody Allen’s “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask.” One of the white-suited guys says, “Man, I hope he isn’t jerking off. I’d hate to land on the ceiling or something.”
I also notice that the Catholic Church never mentions wet dreams . . . if you come in your sleep, is it still the sin of Onan? Or is there a dispensation you get or an indulgence you can buy? Considering the fact that damn near everyone masturbates at some point in their lives (man and woman, mind you), Hell must be a crowded place . . . not to mention all the dead, unbaptized zygotes that have to be floating around the place.
March 27th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
nono, all the dead babies and fetusses go to limbo. Well, depending on who’s pope at the moment. I believe limbo has been retroactively recalled and reinstated about four times now…
March 27th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Yeah, but limbo is often described as “just outside of Hell.” So they *could* be floating “around” the place. It’s been a while since I read the classic trilogy of fantasy, “The Divine Comedy.” Do you recall offhand?
March 28th, 2008 at 3:28 am
I have just read it. Limbo is a garden with no punishment just outside Hell and the first for Dante to visit. There he meet noble men born before Christ.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Man, if god gets pissed when you masturbate, he must REALLY hate me.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
great topic!.. i really like reading it
August 8th, 2008 at 9:52 am
It’s interesting, because never once in the Bible is masturbation declared to be a sin, much less is it mentioned.
You’d think that something God would be able to foresee as such a big issue of the future generations would receive a mention if it were, in fact, a sin.
And, erm, pardon me for saying so, but didn’t some “Good Book” once say that the way into heaven was by accepting Christ’s gift of salvation? Where would masturbation cancel that out?
It’s interesting to see how many things the Catholic Church interjects into their faith that weren’t actually written in the Bible.