The Insurgent Jesus Caricatures

The Insurgent, a student newspaper at the University of Oregon, has what I hope to be the final say in this idiotic orgy of cartoon madness.  I am only posting this because I have done so with all the other cartoons. Quite frankly, I am bored with this whole issue and I never expected it would come as far as it has. So without further ado, I present you a few of the Jesus caricatures as seen in the March-April issue of the Insurgent. The entire issue can be downloaded here.



228 Responses to “The Insurgent Jesus Caricatures”

  1. Hamish says:

    In before the lock

  2. jon says:

    quote: “HAHAHA stupid christians need to take a dose of their own medicine its about damn time”

    Wtf?
    Do you have any clue what you’re talking about?
    to my knowledge, there is no christian church that spends its time drawing pictures of other religions gods giving handjobs to other characters.

    nice going.
    you just made yourself sound reallly stupid

  3. 95 percent of america says:

    we love jesus

  4. irishthunder says:

    Actually at least 15% of the US population identify themselves as atheist or agnostics. Also only 76% consider themselves as christian. So basically you’re full of shit.
    Whats a good sign is that 76% is down from 86% only 18 years before.

    Source:
    http://b27.cc.trincoll.edu/weblogs/AmericanReligionSurvey-ARIS/reports/ARIS_Report_2008.pdf

  5. Wow, why says:

    Wow… this is really awesome guys. Like bravo, you managed to take something beautiful and turn it into a junior high laugh-fest. Like, grow up. Christ loves you, and if you don’t realize it, tough luck. I don’t walk around holding crucifixes, and you don’t need to post this stupid crap. Keep it to your own stupid circle of friends, don’t ruin the intelligence of the rest of the world by publicly broadcasting it. Jesus still loves you after this, but you don’t deserve it. I don’t make fun of what you believe in, what gives you the right.

  6. mijamz says:

    Either way everyone looks at it, we will all die. One way or other we will all find out what the truth is. It does no good to debate it, because all it causes are circles. Covering things over and over. If you don’t believe in God, do what was done in the Old Testament with Elijah, and test him. What I do need to say is that regardless of what you believe or don’t believe, you are still lovable. You are still someone worth dying for. Not even just with Jesus dying, but with the men and women in our military dying for you everyday. So as a Christian, I choose to believe in the Bible, and in God. If you don’t then that’s ok. We can’t force you to believe. We also have no place judging you. It’s not my place. People in life are going to do things you don’t like…we just have to deal with it. I think people tend to get saturated with the religion and not pay enough attention to the relationship. But the world isn’t a perfect place and life goes on.
    As for the drawings, I find them offensive, but the artists had the right to draw them. It’s their choice and as long as they are alive they will continue to have the liberty to do so. I think obviously anything that is made to make fun of anything is offensive, no matter what it’s making fun of. Again it’s just life and life goes on. Take it with a grain of salt and move on.
    There is nothing wrong with debate, it’s a good way to pass time. And clearly Marc and Neando are both educated and are having a very amusing debate, both with good points, and both with research to back up their claims. If anything the debate is far more amusing than the drawings were intended to be.

  7. These pics are funny. Yall wanna trip, check out:
    my.opera.com/dovish

  8. good and fathful servent says:

    JESUS CHRIST…………. he said: GO. WALT DISNEY………….. he said: “keep moving forward.” ARMANI………….. he said: “If you wish to make something beautiful, use only what is neccessary.” VICTOR HUGO…………… he wrote: “Music expresses that which cannot be said and which is impossible to be slient.” DEAN ALFANGE…………… he wrote: “It is my right to be uncommon- if i can. I seek opportunity-not security. I do not wish to be kept citizen, humbled and dulled by having the state look after me. I want to take the calculated risk; to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed. I refuse to barter in centive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guranteed exictence; the thrill of fullfillment to the stale calm of utopia. I will not trade freedom for beneficence nor my dignity for a handout. I will never cower before any master nor bend to any threat. It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and unafraid; to think and act for myself, enjoy the benefit of my creations and to face the world boldly and say, “This I have done.”

  9. ALFAVITA Y2K says:

    Don’t you think that any insane kind of cult developed on a silly legend about a mentally impaired son of bitch crucifiction is really dangerous for everybody around in the world?

    I mean, you can worship any kind of Greek gods fo good, becosue they are goodloking, intelligent and whatewer, and youstill are a normla person.

    If you are a son of bitch worshipper, what are you? Probably a mentally sick, ugly degenerated son of bitch maybe?

  10. Randy says:

    For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

    I am grateful that I am forgiven, made new and have joy and peace within. Many cannot say the same. But you can if you accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

    Randy

  11. boris says:

    so an omnipotent god would have known that jesus wouldn’t “die” right? what kind of lame sacrifice is that?

  12. LAFAVITA Y2K says:

    Look ignorant retarded asshole, humans have a defective inborn brain structure, which makes them vulnerable to hypnosis during sleep.

    This means that all humanity was doomed to die sooner or later. And that is excatly what happened in the last 2000 years.

    Nobody goives a fuck about religion any more, and even less would even consider thinking that neture created humans as superior race. as there are way more fucked up communities around th eworld today avaiableto the mentally insane to join.

    As the matter of fact today we live in a world where tehre are only religious freaks, criminals, prostitutes, homosexuals, transexuals left on th estreets.

    The few norml apeople left are hiding at home. Thanks to th efact that they are intelligent, they contonue to marry between brothers anbd sisters and they are still alaive only becosue of this.

  13. Korgan says:

    Boris, re your post 161, great point and one that isn’t made often enough.

  14. MarcDLS says:

    I’m wondering as to what the point of dieing is if one rises again. If God exists beyond time and is all-powerful why would Jesus need to die, if only to rise again? Seems it was a big waist of time and effort. Couldn’t the mythology work just as well if Jesus jumped through a wormhole in his own asshole and did all the woogy-woogy that way?

  15. Dr. Robert Langdon says:

    1 Actually, the point of resurrection was necver explained properly to the ignorant masses of bigots.

    Resurrection of Jesus means a evry simple natural thing, if Jesus was marriend to Maria, their children would carry all of their genetical code, therefore every children is the methaphorical resurrection of parents body and minds.

    2 A very useful thing to do is never talk about Jesus as somebody who existed in real life. But only as a very unsucesseful try to create a legend.

    There is a very serious difference in english language comprehension about religion, WORSHIP and BELIEVE.

    Becosue RE LIGION is made from ignorant idots who cant even peak english properly, they absolutely are unaware of the huge difference about these two words.

    Jesus as every educate dperosn knows, os the remake of the Greek Myth of Danko,who sacrificed his life by ripping his own heart form his chest and illuminated th eway for other lost people.

    As you see, Danko is a very obvious hint about th eexistence of sadomasochistic degenerates, who were always present on th eGreek terrytory, and were unable to comprehend the basics of legends and myths making.

    Danko ripped his own heart – an obvious hint about the sadomasochistic nature of a sick mind of those who invented this useless Greek legend.

    Jesus spent all his life making obvious statements, self inflicted sufferings, and at the end was even crucified on a crucifix. This is an obvious reake of the allready sick Danko useless legend.

    Please note that even if Danko legend is Greek too, it has nothing to share whatsoever with intelligent and useful original Greek Myths and Lengends containing morale.

    On th eocntrary of Greek Mythology, all the perverted and degenertaed wanna be legends of religious freaks, likek Danko and Jesus, are useless for comprehension, and are only full of sick hyper emotivity, which resembles the mental state of prostitutes who were kidnapped in childhood and obviously become mad.

    On the contrary of these two mentally insane made up diotic bullshit charchters, there are a couple of real facts that can put light for the mentally impaired, in case they are able to comprehend the reality:

    1 Monarchs were not treated as divinity, and were lected by th epeople, therefore every citizen had the right to talk with th emonarch freely if necessarily. Only the bible is treating the monarch figure as somebody scary and godalike. (becouse the jews are all idots.)

    2 Criminals were not crucifixed, they were executed instantly bu cutting their heads off. It was a universal execution all around the world. Crucifixion is a religious invention in orde rot scare ignornat people.

  16. tony says:

    Forgive them my lord they don’t know what they are doing.

  17. MarcDLS says:

    I would say that the thought required to produce this art would require people to know what they are doing…fool…

  18. Neando says:

    Dr Rob, you seem to be very knowledgeable about religion and mythology but don’t seem to be able to express it in English. One of the beauties of this forum is that you are free to say anything you like about religion, provided that it is negative of course, and never have to bother to defend it.

  19. nicole milotte says:

    what the hell is wrong with you people. The lord jesus christ was crucified to save your immortal souls from damnation because of YOUR SINS, not his. Believe what you want but hell is a very very real place. I could quote bible verses but who would believe that if they don’t believe in God? Understand that what your were taught in history is true. Jesus christ of nazareth was a real matter of fact human being and there were many witnesses to all of his miracles. Including being consumed into heaven from the cross. What these artists are doing is blaspheming my god, your god, the god of abraham and issac. If you don’t believe in god fine but have enough respect for other people and their beliefs however stupid they may be to you to not insult them.
    God bless

  20. jagannath says:

    I respect people in general until proven wrong but if you demand respect for ideas, then I no longer respect you.

    You demand that all ideas, even abhorrent and evil(slavery, incest, all religions) must be respected and not criticized or are you actually saying that only your ideas must be respected? If so, I respect you even less.

    If you even claim that history proves the existence of jesus, then prove it. A historical fact should be easy to prove, yes? If you do not try, my respect towards you falls even more.

    But answer me this; If I nail my hand to a wall, it would be stupid, yes? But, if I nail my hand to the wall because I am rewarded very very handsomely for it, it would be stupid not to do it, yes?

    What was my sacrifice in the latter case?

  21. nicole milotte says:

    you want proof of jesus christ? look in any history book in any high school in america. at least a paragraph or two he is mentioned. i do not demend anything from anyone i simply ask for tolerance for all. agree with me or not its your choice in the end but as much as we may not agree with someone’s ideals we must respect the fact that they are that persons. There is absolutely no sense in bein rude or hateful to anyone for expressing their ideas however stupid they may be to you.

    and in the latter case your only sacrifice is your hand. And unless you accept this fact and allow jesus christ into your heart this hand along with the rest of your body will burn eternally in the lake of fire called hell regardless of what your rewards were for putting said nail through your hand

  22. MarcDLS says:

    If you’d read farther into your history book you’d also know the story of Jesus is parroted from earlier cultures. Just because a man named Jesus from Nazareth preached of a New Testament doesn’t mean he was the Chocolate Zombie Jesus you believe in.

  23. jagannath says:

    Hey, this works again.

    I tolerate you up until you encroach upon my life with hateful messages with value judgments based on tribal myths of which you blatantly ignore the parts affecting you.

    Well, I did open up a history book on a school level and you know what?

    Robin Hood and King Arthur are true, they are mentioned in a history book. AS were Odysseus, Zeus, Hera, Tiamat, Marduk, Anubis, Geb, Uzume, Amaterazu, Ah Puch, Akna, Mami Wata and Shango to just name a few. There is a plethora of real gods in existence.

    Assuming of course that mention in a history book equates existence and divinity on gods. So my enthusiasm over all the new found gods is thus crushed under the reality.

    Mere mention that a certain myth caused particular organization to appear does not validate the original myth as a fact even if the followers would believe it to be true. Using belief as basis for reality makes Santa Claus to be true as children believe in him, neh?

    And once again the utter ridiculousness of the claimed sacrifice of jesus is not a concept that people understand even with more down to earth examples. So, lets start again.

    Jesus is god.
    God cannot die.
    Thus jesus could not have died nor made a sacrifice.

    Assuming jesus died and took all of your sins with the claimed sacrifice.
    Punishment for sin is Hell.
    Jesus is not in hell.
    Thus no sacrifice took place.

    Assuming jesus was in hell until resurrection.
    Three days is not comparable to eternity.
    Thus jesus did not make any real sacrifice worth mentioning.

  24. D. says:

    “Jesus is god.
    God cannot die.
    Thus jesus could not have died nor made a sacrifice.”

    Unless God/Jesus became man, and acquired the attributes of the human body, one of which being death.

    “Assuming jesus died and took all of your sins with the claimed sacrifice.
    Punishment for sin is Hell.
    Jesus is not in hell.
    Thus no sacrifice took place.”

    There is only one “sin” that can actually send you to Hell, and that being the “sin” of unbelief. Hell is the punishment for unbelief. The punishment for general sin is death, not hell. “The wages of sin is death…” The only problem is, most people don’t choose to open the sacrificial gift that has been set before them.

    “Assuming jesus was in hell until resurrection.
    Three days is not comparable to eternity.
    Thus jesus did not make any real sacrifice worth mentioning.”

    This last point is made irrelevant by the previous fact that Jesus was not required to, and did not, go to Hell. But-

    -time is not relevant to God.

    nicole, you made some pretty good comments. Keep up the good work. :)

    “Believe what you want but hell is a very very real place.”

    “I could quote bible verses but who would believe that if they don’t believe in God?”

    “And unless you accept this fact and allow jesus christ into your heart this hand along with the rest of your body will burn eternally in the lake of fire called hell…”

  25. Korgan says:

    D, your statements about hell just exemplify how nasty and vicious your fictional deity of your Christian fairy tales is.

    Now, regarding any claimed “sacrifice”, answer this question briefly, just yes or no: Do you believe that your god is omnipotent?

    Religion is a disease of the mind. Inoculate against it with reason.

  26. Rajkumar says:

    Just posting these pictures won’t make any bad thing against GOD.

    You are just wasting your time. GOD won’t even think u as a problem.

    As you are throwing self into ditch. No one Gonna worry 4 your actions. as you are going to suffer in future.

    Amen..

  27. Korgan says:

    Way to miss the point, Rajkumar. RTFA.

    “GOD” is hardly the intended audience. And your proof of the authors’ future suffering is?

    For the U of Oregon audience of The Insurgent, a more appropriate salutation is,

    Ramen..

  28. D. says:

    Korgan. Yes. Please continue.

  29. Korgan says:

    And being omnipotent, your purported “god” has the power to create any number of beings, and to destroy them, and furthermore, has the power to undo its doings.

    Correct?

  30. D. says:

    Korgan, post 179.

    Correct, but-

    When you say “…has the power to undo it’s doings” I’m assuming that “it” refers to the god’s doing, right? Or the beings doing?

    Korgan, since I know you were so concerned about my painful headache, I just want to tell you i’m okay. >:)

    Except, just as you “predicted”, a random kid(he looked 12-14) in a parking lot threw a ROTTEN egg up in the air and hit me in the right on the head yesterday. I can still smell it, bleh.

    Please continue.

  31. Neando says:

    Korgan, should there actually be an omnipotent vicious and nasty deity that meets your conception of the God of Christianity, would that be a moral problem for you or merely an uncomfortable unpleasant emotional one?

    Also, do you have a coherent conception of what omnipotence would entail?

  32. Vivi says:

    We all here pray for Korgan himself will meet & proof about God one day.. Jesus loves you Korgan..

    I myself a christian, but truly in the past not really sure about the evidence & existence of God Jesus..until I had a dream, I was visited by my grandma in my dream one night after her death one month.. I asked her: how she could come to me in my bedroom? She gave me surprising answers: “I just get permission from God to go down to visit you..”
    I asked her: “Is your current living place nice?” She replied: “Sure..it’s very nice.. Remember..our faith have to stay within Jesus as we believe. He’s real..I’ve already come to heaven..it’s such a really wonderful place I’ve ever been.. so different from the place of unbelievers, their place is most horrible..”
    Then I wake up and cried deeply realizing that Lord Jesus is really existing so close to us..He’s really in Heaven.. according to the messages of my grandma in my dream, there are a Real Heaven & A Real Hell..

    God loves u all

  33. Korgan says:

    Vivi, save your useless prayers and dream stories, and do some thinking and some critical examination of your idiotic, violent superstition instead.

    Your dream story is unwitnessed and unproven. If your god that you claim “loves” us is real and as described by you, then let’s see you pray to have all the illnesses in the world (which your asshole-god would have created, to begin with, according to your fiction) be cured, now.

    It’s a damn good thing that the god you worship does not exist. According to your idiotic bible, your god as described is merely a vicious, vengeful asshole. Start here for some great reading on that subject.

    Then go here:
    http://www.reasonproject.org/
    and do some more reading about your delusion.

    Take your awful god-asshole fiction and shove it. The world has suffered enough already from the Christian myth.

    Religion is a disease of the mind. Inoculate against it with reason.

  34. D. says:

    I have to disagree with you, Vivi.

    I do not believe the Lord gives us “visions” to prove himself, as the Christian life is by faith. I believe what you had was merely a random dream.

    I sometimes have dreams in which my grandmother is not dead, but they simply mean that I have been thinking about her often.

    You don’t need to base your hopes on a random, meaningless dream.

  35. Ally says:

    Hi Vivi, I would like to warn you that communicating with the dead is dangerous business, please my friend don’t believe in it. The bible says that dead people stay asleep until the resurrection. Demons pose as people’s deceased loved ones in order to deceive the living into disobeying God’s commands.

    Even some of the scientific theories that are presented as facts, has their origins in hocus pocus.

    “It’s very easy to get caught in a web of deceit when we dabble in the spirit world—even though the Bible plainly warns us that the dead cannot actually speak to us. Some of the biggest lies in today’s world are a result of just a few people believing what a spirit told them. Eve listened to a snake, and we all paid for it. Swedenborg listened to a shadowy visitor in his room one night, and only eternity will tell how many people will have to pay a heavy price for what he did.

    You know, there’s a really good reason God says that some knowledge is strictly forbidden. It’s because He loves you too much to let you build your life on a lie. We don’t need psychics or spirit mediums to figure out what to do with our lives, because we have a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to give us the straight goods in a Book that a lot of people haven’t read in quite a while.

    You know, there’s always a good reason that God tells us to rely on Him instead of what other people say …”

    See the following :- http://www.itiswritten.com/tvprogram/episode/2009/11/1100

    ………………………………………

    D, I’m glad to see you’re OK :)

  36. Korgan says:

    Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert!

    Ally, stop spewing your absurd bible crap about that asshole of a god that you worship. The absurdity of your religion is plain to see, and as usual, Skeptics does a fine job of showing just how far wrong the xtian bible is, and how the absurd (and fortunately fictional) god that the bible describes would simply be a vengeful, cruel ASSHOLE rather than a reliever of suffering, if such a being actually existed. See here
    http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/nt_list.html

    and here are a few examples to shield us from the stench of ally’s crap:

    Genesis

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.”
    God purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey.

    # The Genesis 1 creation account conflicts with the order of events that are known to science. In Genesis, the earth is created before light and stars, birds and whales before reptiles and insects, and flowering plants before any animals. The order of events known from science is just the opposite. 1:1-2:3

    # God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn’t make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). And how could there be “the evening and the morning” on the first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5

    # God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

    # Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

    # God lets “the earth bring forth” the plants, rather than creating them directly. Maybe Genesis is not so anti-evolution after all. 1:11

    # In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used “for signs”. This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read “the signs” in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

    # God makes two lights: “the greater light [the sun] to rule the day, and the lesser light [the moon] to rule the night.” But the moon is not a light, but only reflects light from the sun. And why, if God made the moon to “rule the night”, does it spend half of its time moving through the daytime sky? 1:16

    # “He made the stars also.” God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

    # “And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth.” 1:17

    # In verse 11, God “let the earth bring forth” the plants. Now he has the earth “bring forth” the animals as well. So maybe the creationists have it all wrong. Maybe God created livings things through the process of evolution. 1:24

    # God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26

    # God commands us to “be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over … every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” 1:28

    # “I have given you every herb … and every tree … for meat.”
    Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God’s advice is more than a little reckless. Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer and smarter than God. 1:29

    # All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas — all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. 1:30

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.” He purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey. 1:31

    # In Genesis 1 the entire creation takes 6 days, but the universe is at least 12 billion years old, with new stars constantly being formed. 1:31

    # Humans were not created instantaneously from dust and breath, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms. 2:7

    # After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-22

    # God fashions a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs.
    Because of this story, it was commonly believed (and sometimes it is still said today) that males have one less rib than females. When Vesalius showed in 1543 that the number of ribs was the same in males and females, it created a storm of controversy. 2:19

    # God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before — by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don’t eat dust, do they? 3:14

    # Because Adam listened to Eve, God cursed the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. Before this, according to the (false) Genesis story, plants had no natural defenses. The rose had no thorn, cacti were spineless, holly leaves were smooth, and the nettle had no sting. Foxgloves, oleander, and milkweeds were all perfectly safe to eat. 3:17-18

    # When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech’s birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25

    # “There were giants in the earth in those days.” 6:4

    # Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

    # Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of “every thing that creepeth upon the earth.” 7:8

    # God opens the “windows of heaven.” He does this every time it rains. 7:11

    # All of the animals boarded the ark “in the selfsame day.” 7:13-14

    # The flood covered the highest mountain tops (Mount Everest?) with fifteen cubits to spare. 7:20

    # “The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained.” This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

    # Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn’t germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

    # When the animals left the ark, what would they have eaten? There would have been no plants after the ground had been submerged for nearly a year. What would the carnivores have eaten? Whatever prey they ate would have gone extinct. And how did the New World primates or the Australian marsupials find their way back after the flood subsided? 8:19

    # “And the Lord smelled a sweet savor.”
    Noah kills the “clean beasts” and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all “clean” animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. 8:20-21

    # “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Although this would have been good advice for the mythical Noah, it is deadly advice for humankind as a whole. Overpopulation is one of our greatest problems, yet there is nothing in the bible to address it. 9:1

    # According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

    # “Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered.”
    God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2

    # God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He even puts the rainbow in the sky to remind himself of his promise to the animals not to do it again. But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of years before humans existed. 9:13

    # Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree. 10:25

    # “The whole earth was of one language.” But this could not be true, since by this time (around 2400 BCE) there were already many languages, each unintelligible to the others. 11:1, 6

    # “Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.”
    God worries that people could build a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

    # According to the Tower of Babel story, the many human languages were created instantaneously by God. But actually the various languages evolved gradually over long periods of time. 11:9

    # The ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

    # “Abram … pursued them unto Dan.”
    This is an obvious anachronism, since the city of Dan was not named “Dan” until the time of the Judges (see Judges 18:29). In fact, Dan (for whom the city was named) was not even born yet (see Genesis 30:6). 14:14

    # “And they returned to the land of the Philistines.” But the Philistines didn’t arrive in the region of Canaan until around 1200 BCE — 800 years after Abraham’s supposed migration from Ur. 21:32, 26:1, 8, 15, 18

    # Laban learns “by experience” that God has blessed him for Jacob’s sake. “By experience” means “by divination”, at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27

    # Jacob displays his (and God’s) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39

    # God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12

    # Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 44:15

    Exodus

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

    # The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

    # Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately makes them that way. 4:11

    # God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24

    # God led the Israelites through the land of the Philistines, hundreds of years before the Philistines were established in Canaan. 13:17

    # If you do what God says, he won’t send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise…. 15:26

    # “The manna referred to in the Bible, in Exodus 16:14, seems to have been the dried excrement of Trabutina mannipara, a scale insect that feeds on tamarisk trees.” Benjamin B. Normark, The Sex Lives of Scales, Natural History, Sept. 2004. 16:14-15

    # A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18

    # “In six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them.”
    Believers often say that the “days” of creation should be taken allegorically, but this verse is quite clear. God created the universe in six 24 hour days. 20:11

    Leviticus

    # The bible says that hares and coneys are unclean because they “chew the cud” but do not part the hoof. But hares and coneys are not ruminants and they do not “chew the cud.” 11:5-6

    # Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19

    # Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

    # Be sure to watch out for those “other flying creeping things which have four feet.” (I wish God wouldn’t get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You’d think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

    # God’s law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient’s right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

    Numbers

    # The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! 1:45-46

    # When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. 9:15

    # God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23

    # God sends quails to feed his people until they were “two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth.” Taking the “face of the earth” to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day’s journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3×1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

    # God strikes Miriam with leprosy. (In the Bible, leprosy is caused by the wrath of God or the malice of Satan. 12:10

    # “They … cut down … a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff.”
    A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that’s what you’d expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23

    # “And there we saw the giants … And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.” This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the “sons of God” mated with “the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13

    # God’s cure for snakebite: a brass serpent on a pole. 21:8

    # God has “the strength of a unicorn.” Oh heck, I bet he’s even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22, 24:8

    # “He made them wander in the wilderness forty years.”
    It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13

    Deuteronomy

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

    # “A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time.” (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

    # Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

    # God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites, Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. These nations were “greater and mightier” than the Israelites, who according to Ex.12:37 and Num.1:45-46 already had numbered several million. So the region, according to the bible, must have had a population of more than twenty million! 7:1

    # This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

    # To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

    # “And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron.” 28:23

    # “The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed.” 28:24

    # “An eagle … beareth them on her wings.”
    Do eagles carry their young on their wings? I know of no evidence (except for the single anecdote provided here) that they do. 32:11

    # “Their wine is the poison of dragons.” I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

    # Joseph’s “horns are like the horns of a unicorn.” 33:17

    Joshua

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

    # Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world’s oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

    # In Joshua 8 the Israelites destroy Ai and make it a desolate heap. But Ai was an abandoned city by the time of the Israelites and this story is a myth invented to explain the ruins of an ancient city that the Israelites encountered. See Archaeology and Biblical Accuracy by Farrell Till. 8:1-29

    # This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of the Babylonian captivity. 8:28

    # In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

    # “And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants….” 12:4, 18:6

    Judges

    # “The stars in their courses fought against Sisera.” Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

    # “As the sun … goeth forth in his might.” The sun, according to the bible, goes around the earth. 5:31

    Ruth (None)

    1 Samuel

    # “The pillars of the earth are the LORD’s, and he hath set the world upon them. 2:8

    # “So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain.” 12:18

    # After Jonathan’s first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with “a very great trembling.” 14:15

    # Goliath was ten feet tall (”six cubits and a span”). 17:4

    2 Samuel

    # “He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels.”
    Absalom’s hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

    # In what is surely a biblical exaggeration, we are told that “the servants of David” killed 20,000 soldiers in one day. And that “the wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.” It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. 18:7-8

    # A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20

    # “There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”
    What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”22:8-9

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.” 22:16

    # How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

    1 Kings

    # This verse implies that the value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.)
    Good Math, Bad Math: Innumerate Fundamentalists and ?
    7:23

    # God creates droughts by causing “heaven to shut up” as a punishment for sin. 8:35

    # Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4

    # God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12

    2 Kings

    # Lehi prayed and pillar of fire appeared out of nowhere on a rock. 1:6

    # God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha’s bald head. 2:23-24

    # Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child’s mouth, his eyes on the child’s eyes, and his hands on the child’s hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times.
    Was this a miraculous healing or artificial respiration? 4:32-35

    # Elisha cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14

    # Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

    # A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21

    # “So, king of Egypt”
    There was no king of Egypt of the time named “So” or with any similar name. 17:4

    # Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered.” 20:7

    # Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that’s quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11

    1 Chronicles

    # Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19

    # “The earth … shall be stable, that it be not moved.” It doesn’t spin on its axis or travel about the sun. 16:30

    # According to this verse David’s army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5 David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14

    # King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7

    # As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today’s market.) 29:7

    2 Chronicles

    # Since the molten sea was round with a diameter of ten cubits and a circumference of thirty cubits, we know that the biblical value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 4:2

    # Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4

    # 500,000 soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

    # In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God’s help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

    # Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than “seeking the Lord.”) 16:12

    # God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

    Ezra

    # In the house of the rolls … in Babylon” This is the only library building mentioned in the Bible. The author mistakenly thought that Media was a part of Babylon. 6:1-2

    Nehemiah (None)

    Esther

    # “Haman thought in his heart.” Most people think with their heads, but biblical folks think with their hearts. 6:6

    Job

    # The earth rests upon pillars and doesn’t move (unless God gets angry or something). 9:6

    # “Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not.”
    The earth is fixed and the sun travels about it. 9:7

    # “The measure thereof is longer than the earth.”
    (What is the length of a sphere?) 11:9

    # Heaven is set upon pillars that tremble when God gets mad. 26:11

    # “By the breath of God frost is given.” 37:10

    # The earth is set on foundations and it does not move. 38:4-6

    # “That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it.”
    God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it.
    38:13

    # God has snow and hail all stored up to use later “in time of trouble. 38:22

    # God spread out the sky, which is a solid structure, hard and strong like a mirror. 37:18

    # Wilt thou hunt the prey for the lion?”
    God seems pleased to have created prey for lions and ravens to eat. 38:39-41

    # Ostriches are not cruel and stupid birds who abandon their eggs to die after laying them, as these verses imply. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 39:13-16

    # The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents (39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17

    # “The eagle … seeketh the prey…. Her young ones suck up blood.”
    God is pleased with the way that predators kill and devour their prey. 39:27-30

    # Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: “Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor.” 40:15-16

    # “Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?” 41:1-34

    # “His [the leviathan's] teeth are terrible round about.”
    God has equipped predators with teeth that tear the flesh of their prey. 41:14

    Psalms

    # “The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

    # “My reins also instruct me in the night seasons.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7

    # The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils.” (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move — unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

    # The sun moves around the earth. 19:4-6

    Religion is for the ignorant, the gullible, and the stupid, and for those who would profit from them.

  37. Korgan says:

    Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert!

    Ally, stop spewing your absurd bible crap about that asshole of a god that you worship. The absurdity of your religion is plain to see, and as usual, Skeptics does a fine job of showing just how far wrong the xtian bible is, and how the absurd (and fortunately fictional) god that the bible describes would simply be a vengeful, cruel ASSHOLE rather than a reliever of suffering, if such a being actually existed. See here
    http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/nt_list.html

    and here are a few examples to shield us from the stench of ally’s crap:

    Genesis

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.”
    God purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey.

    # The Genesis 1 creation account conflicts with the order of events that are known to science. In Genesis, the earth is created before light and stars, birds and whales before reptiles and insects, and flowering plants before any animals. The order of events known from science is just the opposite. 1:1-2:3

    # God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn’t make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). And how could there be “the evening and the morning” on the first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5

    # God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

    # Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

    # God lets “the earth bring forth” the plants, rather than creating them directly. Maybe Genesis is not so anti-evolution after all. 1:11

    # In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used “for signs”. This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read “the signs” in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

    # God makes two lights: “the greater light [the sun] to rule the day, and the lesser light [the moon] to rule the night.” But the moon is not a light, but only reflects light from the sun. And why, if God made the moon to “rule the night”, does it spend half of its time moving through the daytime sky? 1:16

    # “He made the stars also.” God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

    # “And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth.” 1:17

    # In verse 11, God “let the earth bring forth” the plants. Now he has the earth “bring forth” the animals as well. So maybe the creationists have it all wrong. Maybe God created livings things through the process of evolution. 1:24

    # God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26

    # God commands us to “be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over … every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” 1:28

    # “I have given you every herb … and every tree … for meat.”
    Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God’s advice is more than a little reckless. Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer and smarter than God. 1:29

    # All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas — all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. 1:30

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.” He purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey. 1:31

    # In Genesis 1 the entire creation takes 6 days, but the universe is at least 12 billion years old, with new stars constantly being formed. 1:31

    # Humans were not created instantaneously from dust and breath, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms. 2:7

    # After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-22

    # God fashions a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs.
    Because of this story, it was commonly believed (and sometimes it is still said today) that males have one less rib than females. When Vesalius showed in 1543 that the number of ribs was the same in males and females, it created a storm of controversy. 2:19

    # God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before — by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don’t eat dust, do they? 3:14

    # Because Adam listened to Eve, God cursed the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. Before this, according to the (false) Genesis story, plants had no natural defenses. The rose had no thorn, cacti were spineless, holly leaves were smooth, and the nettle had no sting. Foxgloves, oleander, and milkweeds were all perfectly safe to eat. 3:17-18

    # When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech’s birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25

    # “There were giants in the earth in those days.” 6:4

    # Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

    # Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of “every thing that creepeth upon the earth.” 7:8

    # God opens the “windows of heaven.” He does this every time it rains. 7:11

    # All of the animals boarded the ark “in the selfsame day.” 7:13-14

    # The flood covered the highest mountain tops (Mount Everest?) with fifteen cubits to spare. 7:20

    # “The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained.” This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

    # Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn’t germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

    # When the animals left the ark, what would they have eaten? There would have been no plants after the ground had been submerged for nearly a year. What would the carnivores have eaten? Whatever prey they ate would have gone extinct. And how did the New World primates or the Australian marsupials find their way back after the flood subsided? 8:19

    # “And the Lord smelled a sweet savor.”
    Noah kills the “clean beasts” and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all “clean” animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. 8:20-21

    # “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Although this would have been good advice for the mythical Noah, it is deadly advice for humankind as a whole. Overpopulation is one of our greatest problems, yet there is nothing in the bible to address it. 9:1

    # According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

    # “Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered.”
    God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2

    # God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He even puts the rainbow in the sky to remind himself of his promise to the animals not to do it again. But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of years before humans existed. 9:13

    # Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree. 10:25

    # “The whole earth was of one language.” But this could not be true, since by this time (around 2400 BCE) there were already many languages, each unintelligible to the others. 11:1, 6

    # “Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.”
    God worries that people could build a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

    # According to the Tower of Babel story, the many human languages were created instantaneously by God. But actually the various languages evolved gradually over long periods of time. 11:9

    # The ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

    # “Abram … pursued them unto Dan.”
    This is an obvious anachronism, since the city of Dan was not named “Dan” until the time of the Judges (see Judges 18:29). In fact, Dan (for whom the city was named) was not even born yet (see Genesis 30:6). 14:14

    # “And they returned to the land of the Philistines.” But the Philistines didn’t arrive in the region of Canaan until around 1200 BCE — 800 years after Abraham’s supposed migration from Ur. 21:32, 26:1, 8, 15, 18

    # Laban learns “by experience” that God has blessed him for Jacob’s sake. “By experience” means “by divination”, at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27

    # Jacob displays his (and God’s) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39

    # God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12

    # Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 44:15

    Exodus

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

    # The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

    # Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately makes them that way. 4:11

    # God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24

    # God led the Israelites through the land of the Philistines, hundreds of years before the Philistines were established in Canaan. 13:17

    # If you do what God says, he won’t send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise…. 15:26

    # “The manna referred to in the Bible, in Exodus 16:14, seems to have been the dried excrement of Trabutina mannipara, a scale insect that feeds on tamarisk trees.” Benjamin B. Normark, The Sex Lives of Scales, Natural History, Sept. 2004. 16:14-15

    # A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18

    # “In six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them.”
    Believers often say that the “days” of creation should be taken allegorically, but this verse is quite clear. God created the universe in six 24 hour days. 20:11

    Leviticus

    # The bible says that hares and coneys are unclean because they “chew the cud” but do not part the hoof. But hares and coneys are not ruminants and they do not “chew the cud.” 11:5-6

    # Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19

    # Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

    # Be sure to watch out for those “other flying creeping things which have four feet.” (I wish God wouldn’t get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You’d think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

    # God’s law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient’s right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

    Numbers

    # The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! 1:45-46

    # When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. 9:15

    # God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23

    # God sends quails to feed his people until they were “two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth.” Taking the “face of the earth” to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day’s journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3×1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

    # God strikes Miriam with leprosy. (In the Bible, leprosy is caused by the wrath of God or the malice of Satan. 12:10

    # “They … cut down … a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff.”
    A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that’s what you’d expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23

    # “And there we saw the giants … And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.” This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the “sons of God” mated with “the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13

    # God’s cure for snakebite: a brass serpent on a pole. 21:8

    # God has “the strength of a unicorn.” Oh heck, I bet he’s even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22, 24:8

    # “He made them wander in the wilderness forty years.”
    It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13

    Deuteronomy

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

    # “A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time.” (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

    # Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

    # God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites, Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. These nations were “greater and mightier” than the Israelites, who according to Ex.12:37 and Num.1:45-46 already had numbered several million. So the region, according to the bible, must have had a population of more than twenty million! 7:1

    # This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

    # To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

    # “And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron.” 28:23

    # “The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed.” 28:24

    # “An eagle … beareth them on her wings.”
    Do eagles carry their young on their wings? I know of no evidence (except for the single anecdote provided here) that they do. 32:11

    # “Their wine is the poison of dragons.” I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

    # Joseph’s “horns are like the horns of a unicorn.” 33:17

    Joshua

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

    # Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world’s oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

    # In Joshua 8 the Israelites destroy Ai and make it a desolate heap. But Ai was an abandoned city by the time of the Israelites and this story is a myth invented to explain the ruins of an ancient city that the Israelites encountered. See Archaeology and Biblical Accuracy by Farrell Till. 8:1-29

    # This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of the Babylonian captivity. 8:28

    # In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

    # “And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants….” 12:4, 18:6

    Judges

    # “The stars in their courses fought against Sisera.” Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

    # “As the sun … goeth forth in his might.” The sun, according to the bible, goes around the earth. 5:31

    Ruth (None)

    1 Samuel

    # “The pillars of the earth are the LORD’s, and he hath set the world upon them. 2:8

    # “So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain.” 12:18

    # After Jonathan’s first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with “a very great trembling.” 14:15

    # Goliath was ten feet tall (”six cubits and a span”). 17:4

    2 Samuel

    # “He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels.”
    Absalom’s hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

    # In what is surely a biblical exaggeration, we are told that “the servants of David” killed 20,000 soldiers in one day. And that “the wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.” It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. 18:7-8

    # A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20

    # “There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”
    What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”22:8-9

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.” 22:16

    # How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

    1 Kings

    # This verse implies that the value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.)
    Good Math, Bad Math: Innumerate Fundamentalists and ?
    7:23

    # God creates droughts by causing “heaven to shut up” as a punishment for sin. 8:35

    # Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4

    # God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12

    2 Kings

    # Lehi prayed and pillar of fire appeared out of nowhere on a rock. 1:6

    # God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha’s bald head. 2:23-24

    # Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child’s mouth, his eyes on the child’s eyes, and his hands on the child’s hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times.
    Was this a miraculous healing or artificial respiration? 4:32-35

    # Elisha cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14

    # Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

    # A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21

    # “So, king of Egypt”
    There was no king of Egypt of the time named “So” or with any similar name. 17:4

    # Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered.” 20:7

    # Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that’s quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11

    1 Chronicles

    # Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19

    # “The earth … shall be stable, that it be not moved.” It doesn’t spin on its axis or travel about the sun. 16:30

    # According to this verse David’s army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5 David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14

    # King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7

    # As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today’s market.) 29:7

    2 Chronicles

    # Since the molten sea was round with a diameter of ten cubits and a circumference of thirty cubits, we know that the biblical value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 4:2

    # Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4

    # 500,000 soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

    # In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God’s help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

    # Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than “seeking the Lord.”) 16:12

    # God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

    Ezra

    # In the house of the rolls … in Babylon” This is the only library building mentioned in the Bible. The author mistakenly thought that Media was a part of Babylon. 6:1-2

    Nehemiah (None)

    Esther

    # “Haman thought in his heart.” Most people think with their heads, but biblical folks think with their hearts. 6:6

    Job

    # The earth rests upon pillars and doesn’t move (unless God gets angry or something). 9:6

    # “Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not.”
    The earth is fixed and the sun travels about it. 9:7

    # “The measure thereof is longer than the earth.”
    (What is the length of a sphere?) 11:9

    # Heaven is set upon pillars that tremble when God gets mad. 26:11

    # “By the breath of God frost is given.” 37:10

    # The earth is set on foundations and it does not move. 38:4-6

    # “That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it.”
    God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it.
    38:13

    # God has snow and hail all stored up to use later “in time of trouble. 38:22

    # God spread out the sky, which is a solid structure, hard and strong like a mirror. 37:18

    # Wilt thou hunt the prey for the lion?”
    God seems pleased to have created prey for lions and ravens to eat. 38:39-41

    # Ostriches are not cruel and stupid birds who abandon their eggs to die after laying them, as these verses imply. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 39:13-16

    # The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents (39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17

    # “The eagle … seeketh the prey…. Her young ones suck up blood.”
    God is pleased with the way that predators kill and devour their prey. 39:27-30

    # Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: “Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor.” 40:15-16

    # “Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?” 41:1-34

    # “His [the leviathan's] teeth are terrible round about.”
    God has equipped predators with teeth that tear the flesh of their prey. 41:14

    Psalms

    # “The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

    # “My reins also instruct me in the night seasons.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7

    # The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils.” (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move — unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

    # The sun moves around the earth. 19:4-6

    Religion is ridiculous.

  38. Korgan says:

    Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert!

    Ally, stop spewing your absurd bible crap about that asshole of a god that you worship. The absurdity of your religion is plain to see, and as usual, Skeptics does a fine job of showing just how far wrong the xtian bible is, and how the absurd (and fortunately fictional) god that the bible describes would simply be a vengeful, cruel ASSHOLE rather than a reliever of suffering, if such a being actually existed. See here
    http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/nt_list.html

    and here are a few examples to shield us from the stench of ally’s crap:

    Genesis

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.”
    God purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey.

    # The Genesis 1 creation account conflicts with the order of events that are known to science. In Genesis, the earth is created before light and stars, birds and whales before reptiles and insects, and flowering plants before any animals. The order of events known from science is just the opposite. 1:1-2:3

    # God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn’t make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). And how could there be “the evening and the morning” on the first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5

    # God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

    # Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

    # God lets “the earth bring forth” the plants, rather than creating them directly. Maybe Genesis is not so anti-evolution after all. 1:11

    # In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used “for signs”. This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read “the signs” in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

    # God makes two lights: “the greater light [the sun] to rule the day, and the lesser light [the moon] to rule the night.” But the moon is not a light, but only reflects light from the sun. And why, if God made the moon to “rule the night”, does it spend half of its time moving through the daytime sky? 1:16

    # “He made the stars also.” God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

    # “And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth.” 1:17

    # In verse 11, God “let the earth bring forth” the plants. Now he has the earth “bring forth” the animals as well. So maybe the creationists have it all wrong. Maybe God created livings things through the process of evolution. 1:24

    # God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26

    # God commands us to “be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over … every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” 1:28

    # “I have given you every herb … and every tree … for meat.”
    Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God’s advice is more than a little reckless. Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer and smarter than God. 1:29

    # All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas — all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. 1:30

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.” He purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey. 1:31

    # In Genesis 1 the entire creation takes 6 days, but the universe is at least 12 billion years old, with new stars constantly being formed. 1:31

    # Humans were not created instantaneously from dust and breath, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms. 2:7

    # After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-22

    # God fashions a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs.
    Because of this story, it was commonly believed (and sometimes it is still said today) that males have one less rib than females. When Vesalius showed in 1543 that the number of ribs was the same in males and females, it created a storm of controversy. 2:19

    # God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before — by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don’t eat dust, do they? 3:14

    # Because Adam listened to Eve, God cursed the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. Before this, according to the (false) Genesis story, plants had no natural defenses. The rose had no thorn, cacti were spineless, holly leaves were smooth, and the nettle had no sting. Foxgloves, oleander, and milkweeds were all perfectly safe to eat. 3:17-18

    # When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech’s birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25

    # “There were giants in the earth in those days.” 6:4

    # Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

    # Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of “every thing that creepeth upon the earth.” 7:8

    # God opens the “windows of heaven.” He does this every time it rains. 7:11

    # All of the animals boarded the ark “in the selfsame day.” 7:13-14

    # The flood covered the highest mountain tops (Mount Everest?) with fifteen cubits to spare. 7:20

    # “The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained.” This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

    # Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn’t germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

    # When the animals left the ark, what would they have eaten? There would have been no plants after the ground had been submerged for nearly a year. What would the carnivores have eaten? Whatever prey they ate would have gone extinct. And how did the New World primates or the Australian marsupials find their way back after the flood subsided? 8:19

    # “And the Lord smelled a sweet savor.”
    Noah kills the “clean beasts” and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all “clean” animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. 8:20-21

    # “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Although this would have been good advice for the mythical Noah, it is deadly advice for humankind as a whole. Overpopulation is one of our greatest problems, yet there is nothing in the bible to address it. 9:1

    # According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

    # “Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered.”
    God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2

    # God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He even puts the rainbow in the sky to remind himself of his promise to the animals not to do it again. But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of years before humans existed. 9:13

    # Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree. 10:25

    # “The whole earth was of one language.” But this could not be true, since by this time (around 2400 BCE) there were already many languages, each unintelligible to the others. 11:1, 6

    # “Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.”
    God worries that people could build a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

    # According to the Tower of Babel story, the many human languages were created instantaneously by God. But actually the various languages evolved gradually over long periods of time. 11:9

    # The ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

    # “Abram … pursued them unto Dan.”
    This is an obvious anachronism, since the city of Dan was not named “Dan” until the time of the Judges (see Judges 18:29). In fact, Dan (for whom the city was named) was not even born yet (see Genesis 30:6). 14:14

    # “And they returned to the land of the Philistines.” But the Philistines didn’t arrive in the region of Canaan until around 1200 BCE — 800 years after Abraham’s supposed migration from Ur. 21:32, 26:1, 8, 15, 18

    # Laban learns “by experience” that God has blessed him for Jacob’s sake. “By experience” means “by divination”, at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27

    # Jacob displays his (and God’s) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39

    # God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12

    # Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 44:15

    Exodus

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

    # The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

    # Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately makes them that way. 4:11

    # God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24

    # God led the Israelites through the land of the Philistines, hundreds of years before the Philistines were established in Canaan. 13:17

    # If you do what God says, he won’t send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise…. 15:26

    # “The manna referred to in the Bible, in Exodus 16:14, seems to have been the dried excrement of Trabutina mannipara, a scale insect that feeds on tamarisk trees.” Benjamin B. Normark, The Sex Lives of Scales, Natural History, Sept. 2004. 16:14-15

    # A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18

    # “In six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them.”
    Believers often say that the “days” of creation should be taken allegorically, but this verse is quite clear. God created the universe in six 24 hour days. 20:11

    Leviticus

    # The bible says that hares and coneys are unclean because they “chew the cud” but do not part the hoof. But hares and coneys are not ruminants and they do not “chew the cud.” 11:5-6

    # Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19

    # Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

    # Be sure to watch out for those “other flying creeping things which have four feet.” (I wish God wouldn’t get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You’d think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

    # God’s law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient’s right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

    Numbers

    # The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! 1:45-46

    # When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. 9:15

    # God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23

    # God sends quails to feed his people until they were “two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth.” Taking the “face of the earth” to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day’s journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3×1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

    # God strikes Miriam with leprosy. (In the Bible, leprosy is caused by the wrath of God or the malice of Satan. 12:10

    # “They … cut down … a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff.”
    A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that’s what you’d expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23

    # “And there we saw the giants … And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.” This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the “sons of God” mated with “the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13

    # God’s cure for snakebite: a brass serpent on a pole. 21:8

    # God has “the strength of a unicorn.” Oh heck, I bet he’s even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22, 24:8

    # “He made them wander in the wilderness forty years.”
    It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13

    Deuteronomy

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

    # “A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time.” (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

    # Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

    # God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites, Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. These nations were “greater and mightier” than the Israelites, who according to Ex.12:37 and Num.1:45-46 already had numbered several million. So the region, according to the bible, must have had a population of more than twenty million! 7:1

    # This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

    # To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

    # “And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron.” 28:23

    # “The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed.” 28:24

    # “An eagle … beareth them on her wings.”
    Do eagles carry their young on their wings? I know of no evidence (except for the single anecdote provided here) that they do. 32:11

    # “Their wine is the poison of dragons.” I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

    # Joseph’s “horns are like the horns of a unicorn.” 33:17

    Joshua

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

    # Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world’s oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

    # In Joshua 8 the Israelites destroy Ai and make it a desolate heap. But Ai was an abandoned city by the time of the Israelites and this story is a myth invented to explain the ruins of an ancient city that the Israelites encountered. See Archaeology and Biblical Accuracy by Farrell Till. 8:1-29

    # This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of the Babylonian captivity. 8:28

    # In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

    # “And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants….” 12:4, 18:6

    Judges

    # “The stars in their courses fought against Sisera.” Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

    # “As the sun … goeth forth in his might.” The sun, according to the bible, goes around the earth. 5:31

    Ruth (None)

    1 Samuel

    # “The pillars of the earth are the LORD’s, and he hath set the world upon them. 2:8

    # “So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain.” 12:18

    # After Jonathan’s first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with “a very great trembling.” 14:15

    # Goliath was ten feet tall (”six cubits and a span”). 17:4

    2 Samuel

    # “He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels.”
    Absalom’s hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

    # In what is surely a biblical exaggeration, we are told that “the servants of David” killed 20,000 soldiers in one day. And that “the wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.” It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. 18:7-8

    # A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20

    # “There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”
    What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”22:8-9

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.” 22:16

    # How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

    1 Kings

    # This verse implies that the value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.)
    Good Math, Bad Math: Innumerate Fundamentalists and ?
    7:23

    # God creates droughts by causing “heaven to shut up” as a punishment for sin. 8:35

    # Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4

    # God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12

    2 Kings

    # Lehi prayed and pillar of fire appeared out of nowhere on a rock. 1:6

    # God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha’s bald head. 2:23-24

    # Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child’s mouth, his eyes on the child’s eyes, and his hands on the child’s hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times.
    Was this a miraculous healing or artificial respiration? 4:32-35

    # Elisha cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14

    # Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

    # A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21

    # “So, king of Egypt”
    There was no king of Egypt of the time named “So” or with any similar name. 17:4

    # Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered.” 20:7

    # Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that’s quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11

    1 Chronicles

    # Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19

    # “The earth … shall be stable, that it be not moved.” It doesn’t spin on its axis or travel about the sun. 16:30

    # According to this verse David’s army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5 David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14

    # King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7

    # As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today’s market.) 29:7

    2 Chronicles

    # Since the molten sea was round with a diameter of ten cubits and a circumference of thirty cubits, we know that the biblical value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 4:2

    # Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4

    # 500,000 soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

    # In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God’s help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

    # Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than “seeking the Lord.”) 16:12

    # God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

    Ezra

    # In the house of the rolls … in Babylon” This is the only library building mentioned in the Bible. The author mistakenly thought that Media was a part of Babylon. 6:1-2

    Nehemiah (None)

    Esther

    # “Haman thought in his heart.” Most people think with their heads, but biblical folks think with their hearts. 6:6

    Job

    # The earth rests upon pillars and doesn’t move (unless God gets angry or something). 9:6

    # “Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not.”
    The earth is fixed and the sun travels about it. 9:7

    # “The measure thereof is longer than the earth.”
    (What is the length of a sphere?) 11:9

    # Heaven is set upon pillars that tremble when God gets mad. 26:11

    # “By the breath of God frost is given.” 37:10

    # The earth is set on foundations and it does not move. 38:4-6

    # “That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it.”
    God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it.
    38:13

    # God has snow and hail all stored up to use later “in time of trouble. 38:22

    # God spread out the sky, which is a solid structure, hard and strong like a mirror. 37:18

    # Wilt thou hunt the prey for the lion?”
    God seems pleased to have created prey for lions and ravens to eat. 38:39-41

    # Ostriches are not cruel and stupid birds who abandon their eggs to die after laying them, as these verses imply. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 39:13-16

    # The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents (39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17

    # “The eagle … seeketh the prey…. Her young ones suck up blood.”
    God is pleased with the way that predators kill and devour their prey. 39:27-30

    # Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: “Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor.” 40:15-16

    # “Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?” 41:1-34

    # “His [the leviathan's] teeth are terrible round about.”
    God has equipped predators with teeth that tear the flesh of their prey. 41:14

    Psalms

    # “The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

    # “My reins also instruct me in the night seasons.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7

    # The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils.” (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move — unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

    # The sun moves around the earth. 19:4-6

    Religion is for the ignorant, the gullible, the weak, and the stupid, and for those who would profit from them.

  39. Korgan says:

    Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert! Allycrap alert!

    Ally, stop spewing your absurd bible crap about that asshole of a god that you worship. The absurdity of your religion is plain to see, and as usual, Skeptics does a fine job of showing just how far wrong the xtian bible is, and how the absurd (and fortunately fictional) god that the bible describes would simply be a vengeful, cruel ASSHOLE rather than a reliever of suffering, if such a being actually existed. See here
    http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/nt_list.html

    and here are a few examples to shield us from the stench of ally’s crap:

    Genesis

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.”
    God purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey.

    # The Genesis 1 creation account conflicts with the order of events that are known to science. In Genesis, the earth is created before light and stars, birds and whales before reptiles and insects, and flowering plants before any animals. The order of events known from science is just the opposite. 1:1-2:3

    # God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn’t make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). And how could there be “the evening and the morning” on the first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5

    # God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

    # Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

    # God lets “the earth bring forth” the plants, rather than creating them directly. Maybe Genesis is not so anti-evolution after all. 1:11

    # In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used “for signs”. This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read “the signs” in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

    # God makes two lights: “the greater light [the sun] to rule the day, and the lesser light [the moon] to rule the night.” But the moon is not a light, but only reflects light from the sun. And why, if God made the moon to “rule the night”, does it spend half of its time moving through the daytime sky? 1:16

    # “He made the stars also.” God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day’s work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

    # “And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth.” 1:17

    # In verse 11, God “let the earth bring forth” the plants. Now he has the earth “bring forth” the animals as well. So maybe the creationists have it all wrong. Maybe God created livings things through the process of evolution. 1:24

    # God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26

    # God commands us to “be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over … every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” 1:28

    # “I have given you every herb … and every tree … for meat.”
    Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God’s advice is more than a little reckless. Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer and smarter than God. 1:29

    # All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas — all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. 1:30

    # “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.” He purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey. 1:31

    # In Genesis 1 the entire creation takes 6 days, but the universe is at least 12 billion years old, with new stars constantly being formed. 1:31

    # Humans were not created instantaneously from dust and breath, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms. 2:7

    # After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-22

    # God fashions a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs.
    Because of this story, it was commonly believed (and sometimes it is still said today) that males have one less rib than females. When Vesalius showed in 1543 that the number of ribs was the same in males and females, it created a storm of controversy. 2:19

    # God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before — by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don’t eat dust, do they? 3:14

    # Because Adam listened to Eve, God cursed the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. Before this, according to the (false) Genesis story, plants had no natural defenses. The rose had no thorn, cacti were spineless, holly leaves were smooth, and the nettle had no sting. Foxgloves, oleander, and milkweeds were all perfectly safe to eat. 3:17-18

    # When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech’s birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25

    # “There were giants in the earth in those days.” 6:4

    # Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

    # Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of “every thing that creepeth upon the earth.” 7:8

    # God opens the “windows of heaven.” He does this every time it rains. 7:11

    # All of the animals boarded the ark “in the selfsame day.” 7:13-14

    # The flood covered the highest mountain tops (Mount Everest?) with fifteen cubits to spare. 7:20

    # “The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained.” This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

    # Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn’t germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

    # When the animals left the ark, what would they have eaten? There would have been no plants after the ground had been submerged for nearly a year. What would the carnivores have eaten? Whatever prey they ate would have gone extinct. And how did the New World primates or the Australian marsupials find their way back after the flood subsided? 8:19

    # “And the Lord smelled a sweet savor.”
    Noah kills the “clean beasts” and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all “clean” animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. 8:20-21

    # “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Although this would have been good advice for the mythical Noah, it is deadly advice for humankind as a whole. Overpopulation is one of our greatest problems, yet there is nothing in the bible to address it. 9:1

    # According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

    # “Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered.”
    God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2

    # God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He even puts the rainbow in the sky to remind himself of his promise to the animals not to do it again. But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of years before humans existed. 9:13

    # Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree. 10:25

    # “The whole earth was of one language.” But this could not be true, since by this time (around 2400 BCE) there were already many languages, each unintelligible to the others. 11:1, 6

    # “Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.”
    God worries that people could build a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

    # According to the Tower of Babel story, the many human languages were created instantaneously by God. But actually the various languages evolved gradually over long periods of time. 11:9

    # The ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

    # “Abram … pursued them unto Dan.”
    This is an obvious anachronism, since the city of Dan was not named “Dan” until the time of the Judges (see Judges 18:29). In fact, Dan (for whom the city was named) was not even born yet (see Genesis 30:6). 14:14

    # “And they returned to the land of the Philistines.” But the Philistines didn’t arrive in the region of Canaan until around 1200 BCE — 800 years after Abraham’s supposed migration from Ur. 21:32, 26:1, 8, 15, 18

    # Laban learns “by experience” that God has blessed him for Jacob’s sake. “By experience” means “by divination”, at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27

    # Jacob displays his (and God’s) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39

    # God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12

    # Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 44:15

    Exodus

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

    # The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

    # Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately makes them that way. 4:11

    # God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24

    # God led the Israelites through the land of the Philistines, hundreds of years before the Philistines were established in Canaan. 13:17

    # If you do what God says, he won’t send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise…. 15:26

    # “The manna referred to in the Bible, in Exodus 16:14, seems to have been the dried excrement of Trabutina mannipara, a scale insect that feeds on tamarisk trees.” Benjamin B. Normark, The Sex Lives of Scales, Natural History, Sept. 2004. 16:14-15

    # A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18

    # “In six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them.”
    Believers often say that the “days” of creation should be taken allegorically, but this verse is quite clear. God created the universe in six 24 hour days. 20:11

    Leviticus

    # The bible says that hares and coneys are unclean because they “chew the cud” but do not part the hoof. But hares and coneys are not ruminants and they do not “chew the cud.” 11:5-6

    # Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19

    # Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

    # Be sure to watch out for those “other flying creeping things which have four feet.” (I wish God wouldn’t get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You’d think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

    # God’s law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient’s right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

    Numbers

    # The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! 1:45-46

    # When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. 9:15

    # God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23

    # God sends quails to feed his people until they were “two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth.” Taking the “face of the earth” to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day’s journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3×1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

    # God strikes Miriam with leprosy. (In the Bible, leprosy is caused by the wrath of God or the malice of Satan. 12:10

    # “They … cut down … a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff.”
    A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that’s what you’d expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23

    # “And there we saw the giants … And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.” This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the “sons of God” mated with “the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13

    # God’s cure for snakebite: a brass serpent on a pole. 21:8

    # God has “the strength of a unicorn.” Oh heck, I bet he’s even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22, 24:8

    # “He made them wander in the wilderness forty years.”
    It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13

    Deuteronomy

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

    # “A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time.” (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

    # Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

    # God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites, Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. These nations were “greater and mightier” than the Israelites, who according to Ex.12:37 and Num.1:45-46 already had numbered several million. So the region, according to the bible, must have had a population of more than twenty million! 7:1

    # This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

    # To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

    # “And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron.” 28:23

    # “The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed.” 28:24

    # “An eagle … beareth them on her wings.”
    Do eagles carry their young on their wings? I know of no evidence (except for the single anecdote provided here) that they do. 32:11

    # “Their wine is the poison of dragons.” I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

    # Joseph’s “horns are like the horns of a unicorn.” 33:17

    Joshua

    # It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

    # Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world’s oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

    # In Joshua 8 the Israelites destroy Ai and make it a desolate heap. But Ai was an abandoned city by the time of the Israelites and this story is a myth invented to explain the ruins of an ancient city that the Israelites encountered. See Archaeology and Biblical Accuracy by Farrell Till. 8:1-29

    # This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of the Babylonian captivity. 8:28

    # In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

    # “And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants….” 12:4, 18:6

    Judges

    # “The stars in their courses fought against Sisera.” Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

    # “As the sun … goeth forth in his might.” The sun, according to the bible, goes around the earth. 5:31

    Ruth (None)

    1 Samuel

    # “The pillars of the earth are the LORD’s, and he hath set the world upon them. 2:8

    # “So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain.” 12:18

    # After Jonathan’s first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with “a very great trembling.” 14:15

    # Goliath was ten feet tall (”six cubits and a span”). 17:4

    2 Samuel

    # “He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels.”
    Absalom’s hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

    # In what is surely a biblical exaggeration, we are told that “the servants of David” killed 20,000 soldiers in one day. And that “the wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.” It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. 18:7-8

    # A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20

    # “There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”
    What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.”22:8-9

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.” 22:16

    # How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

    1 Kings

    # This verse implies that the value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.)
    Good Math, Bad Math: Innumerate Fundamentalists and ?
    7:23

    # God creates droughts by causing “heaven to shut up” as a punishment for sin. 8:35

    # Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4

    # God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12

    2 Kings

    # Lehi prayed and pillar of fire appeared out of nowhere on a rock. 1:6

    # God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha’s bald head. 2:23-24

    # Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child’s mouth, his eyes on the child’s eyes, and his hands on the child’s hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times.
    Was this a miraculous healing or artificial respiration? 4:32-35

    # Elisha cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14

    # Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

    # A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21

    # “So, king of Egypt”
    There was no king of Egypt of the time named “So” or with any similar name. 17:4

    # Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered.” 20:7

    # Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that’s quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11

    1 Chronicles

    # Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means “division”), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19

    # “The earth … shall be stable, that it be not moved.” It doesn’t spin on its axis or travel about the sun. 16:30

    # According to this verse David’s army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5 David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14

    # King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7

    # As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today’s market.) 29:7

    2 Chronicles

    # Since the molten sea was round with a diameter of ten cubits and a circumference of thirty cubits, we know that the biblical value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 4:2

    # Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4

    # 500,000 soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

    # In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God’s help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

    # Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than “seeking the Lord.”) 16:12

    # God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

    Ezra

    # In the house of the rolls … in Babylon” This is the only library building mentioned in the Bible. The author mistakenly thought that Media was a part of Babylon. 6:1-2

    Nehemiah (None)

    Esther

    # “Haman thought in his heart.” Most people think with their heads, but biblical folks think with their hearts. 6:6

    Job

    # The earth rests upon pillars and doesn’t move (unless God gets angry or something). 9:6

    # “Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not.”
    The earth is fixed and the sun travels about it. 9:7

    # “The measure thereof is longer than the earth.”
    (What is the length of a sphere?) 11:9

    # Heaven is set upon pillars that tremble when God gets mad. 26:11

    # “By the breath of God frost is given.” 37:10

    # The earth is set on foundations and it does not move. 38:4-6

    # “That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it.”
    God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it.
    38:13

    # God has snow and hail all stored up to use later “in time of trouble. 38:22

    # God spread out the sky, which is a solid structure, hard and strong like a mirror. 37:18

    # Wilt thou hunt the prey for the lion?”
    God seems pleased to have created prey for lions and ravens to eat. 38:39-41

    # Ostriches are not cruel and stupid birds who abandon their eggs to die after laying them, as these verses imply. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 39:13-16

    # The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents (39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17

    # “The eagle … seeketh the prey…. Her young ones suck up blood.”
    God is pleased with the way that predators kill and devour their prey. 39:27-30

    # Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: “Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor.” 40:15-16

    # “Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?” 41:1-34

    # “His [the leviathan's] teeth are terrible round about.”
    God has equipped predators with teeth that tear the flesh of their prey. 41:14

    Psalms

    # “The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

    # “My reins also instruct me in the night seasons.”
    Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7

    # The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

    # “The foundations of the world were discovered … at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils.” (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move — unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

    # The sun moves around the earth. 19:4-6

    Religion is a disease of the mind. Inoculate against it with reason

  40. jono says:

    iki gambare setan
    ojo ditiru
    wong gendeng kengangguren cekelane internet
    pikirmu lucu ta
    pikirmu gawe guyu
    tangisono nasibmu dol
    sesuk yen kowe mati
    kowe ketemu sapa
    kowe ora biso mlayu meneh
    alam maut duweke Yesus
    mandega olehmu ngoceh seng marakno wong sak donya murtad lan ngujat Yesus
    kowe ora ngerti sapa sing mbok ilokakakke
    cilaka kowe wong gendeng
    saraf, miring,loro uteke
    ojo bangga yen diguyu
    ojo seneng yen bojomu ayu
    kuwi mung illusi
    kuwi mung bayangan
    diluk ngkas muspra
    awakmu sirna
    kecemplung nraka

  41. bono says:

    yoko ono
    wong gendering kakalakawaka celophane internets
    kow bono yeshush
    aka aka
    waka waka
    greek to you too

  42. artistx says:

    OMG these jokes are soooo lame! who came up with these..Its like little kids drew them and thought it was funny…It would be..but this is lame come up with some better stuff!
    Its like bad reality tv funny….NOT! Dont any of you guys try making a living off of this..AMATURES*

  43. Strouse says:

    It’s not actually my practice to post comments, but I thought I would say that this was outstanding.

    -G
    Free Energy for Your Home

  44. Strouse says:

    Actually practice my posts. I thought I would.

  45. macdon says:

    the person who drew the picture – would you dare to draw an offensive picture of prophet mohammed,to end religious stupidity ?
    or are you scared that they will rip you apart no matter where you stay ?

  46. udonfrenzy says:

    macdon, it has already been done by people brave enuff. Just go here to see it:

    http://religiousfreaks.com/?page_id=85

  47. Kingdom of God says:

    Listen you imbecile.. God knows about you and He knows about those pictures you posted and about all these things you said ABOUT HIS SON. If you spoke about my child or children about that after they have done something good to you you’d surely be in some fair trouble my friend. I pray that God will teach you a lesson so that you can open your eyes and so that you also might be able to go to heaven. So when it happens remember to ask God for mercy and you will SEE that He is forgiving and mercy full, even to idiots like you… Take care.. Etienne Myburgh

  48. god is fiction says:

    your “god” is actually utterly impotent and incapable of doing anything about the pictures, and also obviously is nothing more than a myth.

    Etienne got hit in the head by some falling granite, and the results are apparent. Take more care yourself, Etienne Myburgh. And try thinking for a change.

    http://evilbible.com

    It’s 2010. Fuck your stupid jesus stories.

  49. KINGDOM OF GOD says:

    HEY KORGAN!

    YOU STATED IN YOUR POST (34) ‘I’d love to face your fictitious god if instead it actually existed, and do a Q&A session.’ WELL GOOD – NOW THEN I HAVE AN EXCITING WAY FOR YOU TO HAVE A FACE 2 FACE SESSION WITH MY GOD. GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART AND AS BRAVE AS YOU ARE SHOW HIM THAT YOU CAN FACE HIM. ITS A DARE. SHOW US ALL THAT YOU CAN STAND UP TO YOUR WORD AND YOU ARE NOT INTIMIDATED.. ARE YOU UP FOR THE DARE?? PLEASE POST ASAP MY BELOVED FRIEND. TELL ME SO WE CAN PRAY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES… FAIR WELL FRIEND.

  50. KINGDOM OF GOD says:

    WELL YOU JUST KEEP GOING WITH YOUR “EVIL BIBLE” STUFF FOOL. IVE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF SUCH A SITE BEFORE.(WASTING OTHER PEOPLES TIME AND YOURS) YOU CANNOT FIGHT THE WORD OF GOD FRIEND. ITS BEEN THERE FOR TOO LONG AND ITS JUST TOO POWERFUL. LOL! NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE HOLY SPIRIT.. JUST GIVE IT UP. JUST GIVE GOD ONE CHANCE. HE ASKS YOU FOR ONE, HE GIVES YOU PLENTY.. GOD BLESS YOU!

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