Not even a surprise appearance by newly resurrected Pope John Paul II could sway the Senate. The former Pope fought vigorously for the ban and at times became incoherent as he exploded in violent fits of rage while under scrutiny from Sen. John McCain. And I quote,

Pope: You want answers?
McCain: I think I’m entitled to them.
Pope: You want answers?
McCain: I want the truth!
Pope: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has homosexuals. And we have to be protected from those homosexuals by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Sen Feingold? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for homosexuals and you curse the Christians. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that homosexuals, while human, are evil creatures that stalk innocent children and eat kittens. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves children’s lives…You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at $500/plate parties, you want me on that throne in the Vatican. You need me on that throne.
We use words like homophobic, hatred, bigotry…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent suppressing homosexuals. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I suppress, then questions the manner in which I suppress it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a cross and start praying. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

Needless to say, homos everywhere held their partners tight as the sweet bells of freedom rang once again. Free at last! Free at last!

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