Hard at work in the laboratory that is the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI made a marvelous discovery. A breakthrough so profound that it will save the lives of millions and bring about a new era of hope for the masses.

That must be his thinking cap because the Pope has succeeded where many of the world’s most bright and intelligent scientists have failed. The Pope doesn’t have any advanced scientific degrees or even a background in chemistry. All the Pope needed was God… for you see, the cure for AIDS and all diseases is faith. He didn’t go too much in to details, but he was alluding to the church’s stance that fidelity and chastity, and not condoms, were the way to combat the disease.

Eureka! The scientific community must feel like fools having wasted countless millions, if not billions, of dollars on stupid time-consuming scientific research. The answer was always there hiding in plain sight! The Pope is truly a genius.

Now add in the Catholic church’s stance on masturbation (don’t do it) and you have a winning combination. So basically the Pope is just asking several billion people to not have sex unless you actively pursuing kids. If your married and done having kids, no sex. If your married and not ready to have kids, no sex. If you’re single, no sex. In addition to not having sex, you can’t even attend to yourself! Here’s an equation I’d like to submit for why this is bad…

(No sex) + (No monkey spanking) = Global Calamity

Religion was more pervasive and pornography was minimal until the latter half of the 1900s. While many see this as a sad fact, I do not. I see it as a positive thing and I offer my scientific evidence:

FACT: Prior to 1950… less porn, more religion.
RESULT: Two world wars and countless millions dead.

FACT: After 1950… more porn, more drug usage, less religion.
RESULT: No world wars.

If you would like to dispute my exhaustive research I expect you to provide some of your own :)

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