SNL–Jesus Lectures Tim Tebow & The Denver Broncos

Unless you live under a rock (or outside of the US), you’ve heard of the Denver Broncos’ quarterback Tim Tebow. He’s the one who credits Jesus for their six-game winning streak and just about everything else. Like most Christian athletes, Tebow doesn’t acknowledge hard work and skill as a possible cause for winning. And he definitely won’t mention Jesus when they lose. But nonetheless, Tebow is entertaining. So entertaining that Saturday Night Live decided to put their spin on things. What results is nothing short of hilarious! Enjoy :)


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Crayola Unveils New Jesus-Colored Crayon!

crucified santaCrayola is known for their ridiculous names when it comes to colors. There’s Razzmatazz, Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown, and Jazzberry Jam just to name a few. As a matter of fact there are 133 colors and a variety of specialty ones from swirls to scents. But Crayola may have outdone themselves this time with the new Jesus-colored crayon! And the timing couldn’t be more perfect as we near Christmas.

Tara Gomez of Blue Springs Missouri was one of the first to try this devine crayon and she couldn’t be more pleased. Gomez said not only was it a beautiful color, but that it was an answer to her prayers.

Gomez confessed…

I’d been praying and praying about certain things, and I asked God for a sign and I think the crazy thing about this, and I dunno, what better sign to get then right in front of you.

Let’s see Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown do that!

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Christmas — The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

crucified santaAhhh Christmas! It’s that magical time of year when millions of people from all walks of life come together to observe the glorious birth of Jesus Christ. Whether its pepper spraying 20 fellow shoppers for an Xbox, rioting over a $2 waffle maker, or nonchalantly stepping over a dead man at Target to save that extra buck, there is no denying that the season brings out the best in each and every one of us.

But it’s not just the mindless shoppers that are in the Christmas spirit. Atheists are spreading their holiday cheer too by crucifying Santa Claus and hijacking nativity displays with their own messages. Needless to say while they aren’t very creative, they certainly do a good job at pissing off intolerant Christians. And yes… it didn’t take long before the crucified Santa was destroyed.

crucified santaAs an added bonus this year, the St Matthew-in-the-City church of Auckland, New Zealand decided to jump into the fray with a very clever billboard (Atheist groups should take note) depicting The “Virgin” Mary looking at a positive pregnancy test. Pure genius!

The point of the image according to the church itself was to encourage people to think about the real meaning of Christmas. To remind people that it isn’t about Santa, $2 waffle makers, or any of that crap. It’s about a real baby.

While I personally don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God, I can at least respect their beliefs and use my words, not physical actions, to disagree. Someone else didn’t and not surprisingly they vandalized the billboard. More of that Christian tolerance I guess.

The church’s response was spot-on:

Frankly, we are tired of Christian intolerance—and embarrassed by it. As Christians we need to wonder if we can truly love our neighbours while demonizing them? When will we recognize that none of us have the whole truth? When will we recognize that those who hold contrary opinions are not ‘of the devil’? When will we recognize that truth comes in many guises, often in unexpected ways?

As I observe all this holiday cheer I can’t help but wonder where the hell this is all leading. It’s not just the Christians, Jews, and Muslims proselytizing anymore. Atheists are increasingly being more vocal in an attempt to increase their flock.

Is there a middle ground or will this only end once we all share the same beliefs? Is that even possible?

Happy Holidays :)

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Bart Simpson In Now Auditing On New Operating Thetan 7

Congratulations Bart on your accomplishment! And to think I’m only on Operating Thetan 6. Oh well :(

From LifeLineLive:

Fox is having a cow over an automated voicemail message left by Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, recruiting attendees for a Church of Scientology event, reports USA TODAY’s Gary Levin. In the message, Cartwright, who introduces herself as Bart in the character’s voice, says she is “now auditing on new OT 7,” and invites recipients to Scientology’s “Flag World Tour” event in Los Angeles on Jan. 31, where she’s been asked to speak.

In a statement, executive producer Al Jean denies any connection between Scientology and the series: “The Simpsons does not, and never has, endorsed any religion, philosophy or system of beliefs any more profound than Butterfinger bars.” A spokesman at 20th Century Fox says the studio was told the calls have stopped and Fox has not taken any further action. It’s unclear how widely the voicemail was distributed.

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More Gay Skeletons Come Out Of Ted Haggard’s Closet

It seems like it was just yesterday when married evangelical pastor Ted Haggard, an anti-gay advocate, was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Except that hand was actually his penis and the cookie jar was a gay prostitute’s ass. Hey don’t hate me, I’m just the messenger!

Haggard and his family responded much in the same manner that anyone in their shoes would… they got the hell out of town! And over the last few years it seemed that Haggard had actually managed to outrun his homosexual demons from the past :) He found himself a new career as an insurance salesman. He cured himself of “the gays” and he even starred in an upcoming HBO documentary called THE TRIALS OF TED HAGGARD.

But now it appears that the tired old pastor couldn’t run fast enough. Honestly I don’t think even Carl Lewis could outrun the gay skeletons in Ted Haggard’s closet.

Another man known as Grant has come forward claiming that he and Haggard had an “inappropriate” relationship a few years ago when Ted was pastor of the now infamous New Life Church in Colorado Springs. He also claims that the church new about the incident and paid him $179,000 in hush money!

Where’s the proof you ask? Just watch this KRDO investigation and see for yourself!

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I’m Not Out Of The Woods Yet…

I’m just two weeks in to my “comeback” and wouldn’t you know it… life has decided to dole out yet another blow. Last Thursday I was unfortunately laid off from work having fell victim to the sluggish economy :(

Seeing as how this was my first time losing a job, I must say it’s quite an interesting experience. Initially you go in to shock as all your bills spontaneously hold a parade in your head. Oh look, there’s the mortgage float! Once the parade passes, then the “what-if” monster stops by for a cup of coffee. What if I just worked harder? What if I kissed more ass? You get the idea.

As part of my severance package, which is quite fair I must admit, I have to come to work for the next 30 days to transition my responsibilities to a coworker. Talk about weird! There’s nothing more uncomfortable than walking around the office when everyone knows you’re getting canned. It feels like I have a “dead man walking” sign on me! What’s even worse is the funeral procession outside my cube as people come by to pay their respects! It’s a very sad affair apparently. People holding their heads down and making idle small talk. Yikes!

Honestly, I don’t know what the hell is going to happen in the upcoming months. But I am certain of one thing. I want to change my career. I want to find my life’s true vocation. I’ve done so much in the past few years to change my personal life, that to stop now would be unacceptable.

But in the meantime I’m heading out to go celebrate the Inauguration and unwind a bit :)

If anyone has some words of wisdom… please feel free to share!

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Mary: Holy Mother Of God!

The Roman Catholic Church is upset over fashion designer Ricardo Oyarzun’s latest fashion show featuring models dressed as the Virgin Mary. The church carried on about how presenting the Virgin Mary as an object of consumption or something to that affect is wrong… blah blah blah. Oyarzun objected by saying this was about artistic expression of something … blah blah blah.

Honestly, can’t we all just look at these beautiful women and enjoy God’s handiwork ;)

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ISLAM: The Way of Life of Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad

I gotta hand it to the Muslims of Broward County Florida for this little stunt. Not only did they surpass the Atheist Bus campaign in the UK, but they managed to do so in such a magnificent way.

Fifty buses in the county’s fleet are scooting around town letting all the Jews and Christians know that Abraham, Moses, Jesus, and of course Muhammad were Muslims. The ad, compliments of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, simply reads:

“ISLAM: The Way of Life of Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad.”

An alternate ad reads:

“ISLAM: The Message of Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad.”

Both ads also flash a phone number 1-888-ISLAM-55 for anyone that might have questions. Hahaha, priceless!

As would be expected, it took all of five seconds for Jews to fly off the handle and accuse CAIR of being a terrorist organization and all that crap. You can check out the rest of the soap opera here.

When I take a step back from this and view it from afar, I honestly can’t help but laugh my ass off! Think about what’s going on here. On one side we have the Christians, who in the past had a monopoly on public advertising, getting upset over Atheists who just want everyone to relax and enjoy life. But before the Christians can respond, the Muslims launch a bus-jihad and attack not only the Christians, but the Jews… leaving the Atheists unscathed.

One can only wait to see how the Christians respond. They better make it good because the bar has been raised :)

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Religion Expelled For Bullying Students

jesus weepingFor years now there has been a bully roaming the public schools in America. It’s been harassing students at school sponsored events, graduations, and even in the classroom with impunity. The few who stood up to it were often chastised by fellow students and ignored by faculty.

There is hope though as two brave students took on this bully, known to many as Religion. With the help of the ACLU, a small victory was won in court when U.S. District Court Judge Casey Rodgers ruled that the entire Santa Rosa County School District stop promoting religion and prayer in the classroom and at school events.

Among the First Amendment violations listed in the ACLU suit:

  • Elementary graduations and middle school Christmas concerts held at churches.
  • Teachers and staff at Pace High School preaching about “Judgment Day with the Lord.”
  • Teachers and staff offering Bible readings and biblical interpretations during student meetings.

Rodgers’ order prohibits employees from:

  • Promoting prayer at school-sponsored events, including graduation.
  • Planning or financing religious baccalaureate services.
  • Promoting religious beliefs to students in class or during school-sponsored events and activities.
  • Holding school-sponsored events at churches.

Let’s hope this sets a precedent and gives other free-thinking students the courage to stand up and fight.

Religion is a personal choice and should remain as such. Why Christians, Jews, Muslims, and all the others feel the need to spread their “religious seed” is something I will never understand or tolerate. Keep religion in church where it belongs :) It’s just that simple!

Complete story here.

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Vatican Embarrassed By Virgin Mary?

Over the years there has been no shortage of religious people with overactive imaginations. They’ve seen Mary in the icebox, on grilled cheese sandwiches, in a bag of Funyuns, and even on a greasy pizza pan. The list unfortunately goes on.

What’s fascinating is the amount of press that these stories have received. For instance, that grilled cheese sandwich managed to fetch a staggering $28,000 and even toured the world! How many of you have toured the world? That’s what I thought :)

There’s an old saying that any press is good press. But does that hold true in this case? Take for instance the pizza pan image of the Virgin Mary. Followers actually marched down the street with the damn thing! Now when I see something like that on the news, I can’t help but laugh my ass off. To me it’s just embarrassing, pathetic, and of course entertaining :)

Now it looks like the Vatican might feel the same way. New Vatican guidelines require all Catholics who claim to see visions of Jesus or the Virgin Mary to remain silent until a team of “experts” can come to assess the situation. This A-Team would consist of psychologists, Theologians, priests, and exorcists. Wow, and I thought the Justice League was badass!

If the Vatican considers the visionary to be credible then they will face examination by one or more demonologists to exclude the possibility that Satan is hiding behind the apparitions. You can’t make this stuff up!

So why is the Vatican going through all this hullabaloo? Are they honestly trying to weed out the fakes and thus admitting this stuff really happens? Or do they know these people are crazy and just want to keep them quiet so the church doesn’t look even more ridiculous?

I honestly don’t know.

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